November 9th
Ladies and Gentlemen, let me first welcome you back to Witness Times after a loooooong gap of over 2 months! Anyway, we are back in business now, with a hot spicy story to cover up our absense.
Crimes, are of different types. And somehow, "some" people at the Udyogamandal School believes in different types of most officious crimes, judged by the integrity, sanity, age, sex, marks, class and flattering capability of a student/students concerned.
Well, the fun began a couple od days ago, with a "person" commenting about a most heinous crime. A terrific and atrocious sin, which made the "person" wish the rule-breakers instant death. And, uh, what was the crime? Failure to bring the library book to school within the due date!!!!
The fun continued, with absurd and insane new rules introduced, supposed to be of the purpose of "improving" or "hoping to improve" the school premises - no cycles allowed from students staying nearby the school... Yep... A few of the students now come in Rolls Royces and a couple of Benzes... How harebrained can people get? Why should a student staying 10 KMs away from the school come on a cycle? And why should not a student staying 1 KM away from the school come on a cycle? Taking into consideration the fact that about 3% of the total students in the school stay far away, of which .01% have cycles, we are discussing about conducting an All India Witness Times Humour Conference in the available space in the cycle stand...
And yet, dear reader, if you think that these above mentioned "crimes" were delirious, you aint seen nothin yet! Indeed, today, two of the school's most esteemed idiots, uh, sirs were seen commenting on yet another flagitious crime - the 12th STD students listening to music 10 minutes after the dispersal bell... Witness Times News Corps have received information that the "wrong doers" were severly questioned, and chastised.
It grieves us as much as it does to you to declare that the personality mentioned in the above instances are unfortunately the one and only, Mr G, the great, infamous, hopeless, grammarless, -censored- , head of the institution! Yep...
Honestly speaking now, the Witness Times is thinking of conducting a poll on who is more dumber, The Woman In The Red Dress(thankfully abdicated 3 months ago) or Mr G(still out there and hopelessly annoying). We would furthermore like to refer to Mr G as Mr IG [expands to Infamous G, Idiot G, In***t G etc etc etc, left to the creativity of the reader concerned].
Oh, and the Woman In The Red Dress has registered her protest against the competition at hand...
But of course, we are doubtful if any phrase of IG's will break the greatest slur in history, made by the Woman In The Red Dress - "That Meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......"
But, the staff here at Witness Times, are willing to bet a couple of beers that IG's latest phrase on stage - "Everyone is not, but, shall, will..err... have yes bring.... err.. bring yes... library in time books..." - might fare the competition.
This present situation is not only affecting the students, but even the poor animals! Today, we got reports from STD XII, which stated that a slug had been spotted inside the water bottle of one of the students... The poor carrier of pin worm larvae was reportedly trying to escape a speech of IG's... But the students were even more effected by IG that a couple of them actually drank the water, and reportedly, finished off the slug as well! Indeed, the last few hours of class today saw the STD XII students desperately trying to suicide using Mercury Poisoning methods, to escape from the hopless IGed environment!
Yet, close examinations, and tedious file work, has revealed that IG is not just another idiot as we thought him to be... He is suspected to have the largest collection of BFs, aka Blue Films, aka XXX, aka Porn, in the whole of the township, owing to his magpie like tendency to snatch such valuble material from the students of his older school... Ofcourse, the students at Udl are much more refined and sophisticated, and have their own methods of protection and careful data transfer, though they are seldom used due to the sophistication and refinement... In other words, IG's collection has ceased to swell... :)
Well, whatever may be the case, we at the Witness Times are keeping close tags at all concerned. As an antidote to IGness, we reccomend a good dose of Witness Times, taken at regular intervals, accompanied by loud hysterical laughter, and a bit of uncontrollable swearing(F U!)... If you are attacked by the IG, or by the Great Brown Shark, we reccomend a good course of steady English, using words such as "antideestablishmentarianism", "anticonvulsant", "antecedence" etc to confuse thy predator, and apply a technique named "THE HARE!" developed by the Team Editorial, 2006. To keep posted, visit, bookmark, and keep addicted to Witness Times!
By the way, please promote our new marketting catchphrase : "Addicted to Opium? Marijuana? Why waste your money? Get addicted, to WITNESS TIMES! From darkness to light... Gauranteed..."
The Witness Times
The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is true - might be a wee tiny bit exaggerated]
Disclaimer : This post is intended as a satirical work of part-fiction. Any
resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt to
death in a second class train compartment in Godhra - is completely
coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here
are not even his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the
Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the
parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration
of Human Rights. Please note that no objections can be legally brought up against the author, since no names are used, not insinuated to, in this blog, and since "Neo Garfield", the author of this blog, is not a living entity, and any legal procedures against him, will lead you to an endless maze...
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this one is hilarious...!
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