The Witness Times

Yon Librarian of little faith...

2007-08-17T17:02:00.000+05:30

The Witness Times takes a look into a creature with 2 arms and 2 legs, though only his face is seen most of the time - The Assistant Librarian. Read on...

Good evening. Welcome to the first post in Witness Times about "The College". You might want to read up Librarian of Library of Liberty (offsite link to a fellow College blogger) before you start reading this article to give you an introduction to the Library in The College.

Lets get on with it... The library of liberty, as I may call it (naming copyrights : Georgelivestheday.blogspot.com) has many so called Assistant Librarians. We watched for a couple of hours, the action which goes on in the Library.

One of our Agents were posted at the entrance of the Library, innocently reading the latest edition of BenefIT. In comes a student of MSW Ist year. Lets call him Mr LN. Oh, he's a doctor... So its Dr. LN. He pats our agent on our back to acknowledge friendship and walks right into the reference section.

In all, he broke 5 commandments. Oh, by the way, here are the commandments of the Library of Liberty -

1) Thou shalt not make noise nor speak
2) Thou shalt not steal
3) Thou shalt not take out your mobile phones
4) Thou shalt not take the reference books outside the cul-de-sac
5) Thou shall not get 'nutritionalized' inside the sanctum
6) Thou shall surrender thy ID card
7) Thou shalt not make noise with feet, chair etc.
8) Thou shalt not withdraw a book with ease
9) Thou shalt not argue with the Librarians
10) Thou shall obey blindly the words the Librarian.

So back to our story, Dr LN walked straight past the Assistant Librarian, who had a scandalized look on his face. Dr was evidently in quite a hurry. He walked right into the Reference section, while being quite careful to make as much noise as possible. The Asst Librarian on seeing his not surrendering his ID card, started running towards the poor Dr from the other room. But Dr LN was in QUITE a hurry that he managed to reach the entrance, with a reference book clutched tightly in his hand. The Asst Lib caught up with him there. Seriously out of breath, he started shouting (chocking?) at the poor Doctor for a dozen different reasons. Dr LN said something about a Photostat in the other room. And at this point, the Asst Lib lost all control and started quacking like Donald Duck. Dr LN started contemplating the Asst Lib with professional interest.

The Asst Lib kept muttering things like - noise with feet - stealing books - leaving no id - fighting with librarians - I will show you etc etc etc...

Epilogue : Dr LN was able to successfully take a few photocopies of the required pages and in replacing the book.

But the story does not end there. We at the Witness Times were curious with the Asst Lib's approach. So we deployed an Agent to test his efficiency.

At first, we used an Under-graduate ID card to enter the Post-graduate section. Success!
Then we used the same UG card to enter the BHM library. Success again!
Then came the most crucial test. We coloured a piece of paper blue, yellow and grey to resemble the ID card, and entered all three sections with this piece of waste paper.

So how diligent was Mr Donald Duck anyway? We wish his all the very best for his future life...

2007 The Witness Times News Corps (c)

Disclaimer : This post is intended as a satirical work of mostly-fiction. Any
resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt or being dethrowned and murdered by George W Bush - is completely coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here may not even be his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration of
Human Rights.

Please note that no objections can be legally brought up
against the author, since no names are used, not insinuated to, in this
blog, and since "Agent M", the author of this blog, is not a
living entity, and any legal procedures against him, will lead you to
an endless maze...

Christ Ahoy!

2007-06-23T17:51:00.000+05:30

Yo hello, its time to rock and roll!
Ladies and gentlemen, after much deliberation, the Witness Times crew, that is myself, also known as Agent M, have decided to shift our focus of writing to a new arena and campus. We have decided to shift ourselves from the mundane and rather arrogant readership level of our previous institution, Udl, and begin our journey afresh in a new, clean, green, and serene atmosphere at Christ College, Bengaluru.

We would like to ascertain that this shift is not in view of the threats or setbacks we had at our previous location. If you are a member of our previous institution, and consider us arrogant and defying, please continue to consider us arrogant and defying. We are merely shifting our focus due to, well, abundance of "prey" (heh heh heh).

From today, we promise to dedicate ourselves in the supreme service of laughter via the new route of Christ College. But this does not mean, either, that we have totally abandoned our good old Udl. If we get a particularly fat fly, uh, spicy news about, we will surely publish it.

But until then, ladies and gentlemen, beloved readers, friends, foes, kith and kin, please welcome with open hands, Christ College, Hosur road, Bengaluru.

You can contact me with your comments, feedback, suggestions, complaints, kvetches, threats, and anything else at -

agentm@witnesstimes.com

Hold on to your hats!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chastised for Honesty!

2007-06-22T22:12:00.000+05:30

Friends, Webizens, Countrymen (and women),
Chastised we are, for our honesty! We stand, with our sources severed, links disconnected, heavily punished, for a crime we did not commit! We stand in the heat of cruel and inhuman punishment, which has been applied on our agents by sadistic and satanistic individuals!

Certain individuals from certain parts of the world have come together as a single force to try and penetrate the outer protective shell of The Witness Times by cutting out our sources in the form of banning us from the more popular social networking websites on false and made up reasons.

They say that its chastisement for our wrong deeds. We ask you dear reader... Did we do any wrong deeds? Is spreading laughs a sin? Is telling the truth illegal?

But whatever philistines say, we at Witness Times "bash on regardless"... :)

Whether you ban us, or harm us, or smash our head quarters, or quarter our agents, as long as a single soul survives in this organization, we promise to keep writing, keep sensationalizing, keep "bashing on regardless", and keep spreading the truth!

So Mr S out there, we shall survive, and keep writing! We refuse to give up!

Astalavista... Babeee..

Witness Times : The Escapade

2007-06-13T12:09:00.000+05:30

Good morning,
7 years hath passed...
More than 500 stories published...
Almost 75 blogged...
Countless readers...
Trillions of laughs...
Unthinkable moments of fun and joy...

3 death threats...
34 physical harassments threats...
92 mails & comments of mental harassment and threats...
3 warnings by teachers...
Countless snides, sneers, and frowns...

Every coin has two sides..............

Yet ladies and gentlemen, The Witness Times has never failed in delivering the truth; In showcasing the latest; In spoiling plots; In delivering laughs...

During its tenure, The Witness Times has never aimed at tarnishing or destroying reputations, just bringing out the truth and exposing frauds. We have aimed at ultimate privacy of our "victims" by ensuring that no names were used. Only the truth has been portrayed, spiced up by exaggerations, which have been clearly mentioned at the end of each article. But every single article written at Witness Times was inspired by original events.

Despite the threats, despite the warnings, despite the frowns, we never failed in bringing you the best of Udl, to smile at. We never hesitated to publish a hot issue. But as the saying goes, all good things should come to an end...

I am leaving this prestigious institution which was earlier acronymed Udl, now tainted and torn by caterpillars of the commonwealth. Thus, my truthful and trusty sources have come to a conclusive stop, and thus, as a result, I have to stop this wonderful journey of The Witness Times. I'm not giving in to the threats or snide comments. I am giving in to the path of destiny, which every mortal is destined to follow.

This site will remain as an archive of the good old times. And if furnished with enough material, I will continue blogging about Udl. This not, the end. This is just an indefinite intermission, for the better. I will provide more information about my future plans, and the plans for Witness Times, in my future posts. I might continue blogging about Udl, or maybe about my new institution, or maybe about worldly matters, or all these three; but until I make that decision, ciao, please embrace this indefinite intermission with the spirit of courage, and with an air of melancholy, the same as me.

For freedom, for liberty, for the spirit of free writing! All Hail!

Yet another milestone for Witness Times!

2007-04-27T14:42:00.001+05:30

Ladies and gentlemen,

This is a special announcement. The Witness Times has crossed yet another milestone by the acquiring of our flagship domain, www.witnesstimes.com !

Now, you can access your one stop rumour shop at these web addresses -

1) www.witnesstimes.blogspot.com (original)
2) www.witnesstimes.com (autoredirect to 1)
3) www.witnesstimes.info (autoredirect to 1)

In case of suggestions, complaints, requests, kvetches, and stuff like that, you may contact the editor of the Witness Times at the following email address -

agentm [at] witnesstimes [dot] com

Cheers :)

Eu tu Mr N? India witnessing a revolution in homosexuality...

2007-04-02T01:33:00.001+05:30

Monday,

April 2nd

Is India witnessing a revolution in homosexuality? Is India, under the aegis of other western countries, stepping into that land which was hithero taboo? Yes ladies and gentlemen, or atleast, scenes right from the life of Mr N, in places ranging from the HQ of Synapse Graphics to the most acclaimed Marine Drive of Kochi seem to be suggesting so.

Let us consider, Mr N. Philospher, guide, good friend, and a lending hand to anyone in need. But his actions reckon that he's not just sugar, spice and everything nice. Over the range of the last couple of months, the Witness Times had got Agents trailing him 24X7. In astounding discoveries, we gathered that he exhibited a hitherto unseen trait of homosexuality, leading for a unprecedented affinity for individuals of his same sex. i.e. Male.

The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Dept. scooped up a few facts about Mr N, which called for that he had increasingly become friendly and helpful to boys during the past couple of years. The WTVCD opinions that this friendliness and helpfullness were in fact pleas to release his pent up sexual feelings.

Incidents during the last few months have not challenged the findings of WTVCD. Overwrought with the emotions of leaving his educational institution, and increasing pressures of exams, his refrain crumbled, thereby leading to gratuitous displays of affection to males. In other words, he's a gay.

Indeed, on the "Farewell" day, he was seen in the backyard of a famous graphic design enterprise(named Synapse GFX) with an associate, trying to blackmail him and to ascertain his sexual maturity. Mr N reportedly threatened the very famous Mr AB with a shot gun. Mr AB, already committed to his steady girlfriend, was unavailable for comment. Our top reported Agent M, against great personal risk, succeeded in capturing this fine moment on his Canon Powershot A95.

(Left : Mr AB. Right : Mr N)

A careful viewer will be able to perceive the position of Mr N's left hand. Also the emotions of joy on Mr N's face and the looks of forced ecstacy on Mr AB's face. We regret to say that we couldn't capture a video of the entire episode, since Mr N discover our Agent, and tried to do away with him...

As is evident, Mr AB was forced to physical and sexual submission unto the whims of Mr N.

But Mr N's sexuality took a HUGE turn today. In the wee hours of the evening, Mr N came out of a movie theatre(followed by 4 of his friends including Mr AB) looking extremely dejected. The movie(named "300") had a couple of scenes involving a few girls in rather *sensitive* scenes, and Mr N was quite unhappy with the lack of gays in the movie.

As time ticked past, Mr N was witnessed tearing past the grounds of Marine Drive in hot public pursuit of his four classmates. In other words, he was looking for a quick bout of pleasure by a public rape. Like a cheetah, he reared past the mowen grass, straight to innocent Mr B, who, taken by surprise, was beaten into a submissive form, before Mr N continued with his sexual enterprises. Godess fortune was at hand, though, and benevolence arrived in the form of Mr RPR, who decided to mimic the spartans, and throw a spear(uh, a bamboo stick!) at the violent and lusty Mr N. Mr N, unfortunately, had completed his sexual devices in record time, and happily bounced away from the approaching spear(uh, bamboo?), and thus, poor Mr Raped-homosexually-tortured-B took the full effect.

Ofcourse, the four of his friends were finally able to lock him into a red killer and bid him goodbye for the day(heaven forbid that he lusted in the bus!) but not before a few hundred ogling citizens of Kochi had their dose of daily excitement and pornographic pleasure.

WTVCD says that Mr N was unable to contain his feelings when all beside him were at the verge of excitement from the movie. Thus, says WTVCD, he resorted to exhibitionist values of his homosexuality which must have given him more mental satisfaction than a private affair.

"He is not to be feared." Opinions Mr NG, Psychological Consultant, Witness Times. "He is a normal teen with normal feelings, but a little perverted, yes. Care must be taken to exercise his sexual mana periodically, so as to avoid such severe situations."

However, Mr N seems to be carefree and quite unbothered about all the happenings. WT personnel are standing by to help, in case the situation darkens, with better cameras and excellent camera crew. But until then, its adios from the Witness Times crew :) Keep reading Witness Times - Action on the spot!

born to discover...

driven to fight...

destined to conquer...

THE WITNESS TIMES

The Witness Times News Corps 2006

[this news is not entirely fake - but the scenes are figments of my imagination]

Disclaimer : This post is intended as a satirical work of mostly-fiction. Any

resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt or being dethrowned and murdered by George W Bush - is completely coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here may not even be his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration of
Human Rights.

Please note that no objections can be legally brought up
against the author, since no names are used, not insinuated to, in this
blog, and since "Neo Garfield", the author of this blog, is not a
living entity, and any legal procedures against him, will lead you to
an endless maze...

We are not dead...

2007-03-17T00:54:00.000+05:30

Ladies and gentlemen,
Please do not doubt the most longest break ever in Witness Times history. We have not shut down our operations, we have not stopped the blogging business. Due to a quick change of emotional attitude, and time moving at the speed of light ( ;-) ) we are unable to provide you with laugh-friendly content.

We apologise for this looooooooooooooooooong break. Its been over 2 months now! We beseech you to wait for another 1 and a half weeks, before we're back in business... Updating, and ready to roll :)

Cheerios...

SISTER SITES : www.blogforpeace.org ||| www.bloggingindia.net ||| www.yfma.com

His experiments with truth...

2006-12-21T01:29:00.000+05:30

Thursday,
December 21st

Its the final countdown... The days are counting down to ground zero, the ultimate day, the day when the world is converted into the "realm of mystic enjoyment". The day, when the unreal becomes real... The annual School Day of the great school we all know.

Ladies and Gentlemen, yet again, we have been dumbstruck by the situation we have at hand. Yet again, we have been outshined by a brilliant ray of light emerging from that unbeatable arc of baldness. Yet again, we have been dwarfed by the enormousity of the news at hand. But as it is our duty to deliver you our best, even during sun, rain or snow, here it is dear reader, for thy eyes, and yours alone...

Caution : PG 15. Get a phone next to you and start dialing 102 (911 in case of outside India readers). You might need an ambulance soon because of shock, and brain trauma.

Prologue : 3 days ago, an anonymous reporter reports a mishap on one of the most prestigious awards in the school... The report went unnoticed because of the informer's integrity(or the lack of it)...

Now, we learn, that The Great Brown Shark was in fact, A Velociraptor.

Part I : The shock : Lets begin with a lovely little Geography class in STD X. The Great Brown Shark walks in and starts gargling about the kalathilakam - one of the most presitigious awards a student of STD X from the school can hope for. But within the baby gargles, the students of the hapless class realised that something of substance was being said... Something everyone failed to grasp at first... Something related to interschool activities...

In the realm of 50,000 "actually"s, the poor students of the above mentioned hapless class learned that the Great Brown was saying, that the kalathilakam was not going to be given to the right deserver(lets call her Ms G) but to his own daughter, Ms B!

Ms G is an introspection of sugar, spice and everything nice. With lots of talent, skills, and points, she was the most eligible for that prestigious award. The one, she was denied... She was upset. She was angry. She was ---------(please fill in). She decided to protest!

Ms B on the other hand, was a synonym for selfish, evil and everything bad. With lots of att-I-tude, she was NOT the eligible one for such a prestigious award.

PART II : The 3rd iteration : Lets zoom in to the details. Ms B has 12 points. Ms G has 15. As per the set rules, right from 1991, the student from STD X who scores maximum points in co-curricular activities IN THE SCHOOL gets the award.

But, dear reader, earlier this week, Ms G was summoned inside his highness'es lair. The Shark Lair. Reportedly, she was fried in their. And cut into a crude shawarma.

The Great Brown never stuck to a point (lack of "glue") but kept beating around the bush (he's got tons of THAT!) He kept putting in his much acclaimed technique of confusing a poor student - The Actually Hypothesis - which successfully broke Ms G into a fit of rage. Insaned by the extremely hazardous number of "actually"s exhaled by The Great Brown (as per the Actually Hypothesis) Ms G decided to run for it. Get out and clear before the "egg" turned into a grenade. But no, he held on...

He kept showing the hapless girl a piece of paper, in which, depicted in his own handwriting, was a piece of literature. The Great Indian Literature, which proclaimed that "since 2004, all school co-curricular activities AND ICSE ISC Cultural Meet points are taken into consideration for kalathilakam". Witness Times Forensices Dept. says that the paper used was A4 Bond, which was less than 2 months old, and thus defeating the 2004 purpose, unless The Great Brown was the great inventor of a time machine. Also, it remains a fact that throughout 2004 and 2005, the kalathilakams were not selected based on ICSE ISC Cultural Meet points.

PART III : The Final Diagnosis : The Great Brown Shark (aka Mutta aka The Velociraptor) was infact(or reportedly) playing behind the scenes to get the prestigious kalathilakam award for his own daughter. Not taking into consideration the protests from half the student community and a score of teachers, he is adamantly sticking to his ludicrous and imbecilic views and actions.

He, who claims himself to be the "most honest man" on living earth; he who claims to be "the ideal man"; he who claims to be an ideal "role model"; is actually nothing but a flea bitten, crackbrained, dazed, dullardic, clumsy, gawky, stupid ----- who has the brains of a half mutated strain of the almost extinct Variola major(small pox) virus. The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Dept. says that if he had atleast used a 2 year old paper to depict his so called "documents" - the world's greatest treasure which will lead to his daughter getting the kalathilakam, he would have atleast shown himself to be a prudent and farsighted man.

But beneath all this, Witness Times Psychology Dept. says that this is all just a plea for attention. A dazzling trick to obtain ferocious publicity and accelerate student entrance into the sinking ship.

Epilogue : The Witness Times Staff has decided that Mr Great Brown was put in the wrong job(No monster.com in his medival times). He should have become a politician. Fickle, unvertebrated, thick-skinned, hairy(as hairy as an orangutan), boring, bush beating, stupid, and the half mutated existence he is, are perfect, if not accurate, synonyms of a politician.

And still, he thrives on in his self made niche, in which he feels quite safe and secure, like a 5 year old kid feels secure inside a warm blanket. He feels that noone and nothing can affect a fort so strong, when infact, he doesnt realize the fact that his "fort" is made up of cotton, graphite and marshmallows.

The fact that Mr Great Brown has a great rapport with Mr Kama may be the missing link in the entire story. It might turn out that The Great Brown enjoys Kama's homosexual activities. Or it might just be a play-act, to somehow "silently" kick badguy Kama's a$$ and take revenge for turning his "dream"(school) into a nightmare. And ofcourse, there's still that mysterious factor of the glazing biceps...

And ofcourse, there's the case of the extreme-hair-on-hands-and-face-but not-on-head. The Great Brown Shark's head is so nice, shiny and egg-ish that their chickens made a big fuss when his wife walked away with him. They chickens thought that Mrs Great Brown was stealing their eggs...

In ordinary sharks, hair is uncommon. But ofcourse, he's anything from ordinary. But he is, in some respects, very much similar to a shark. Especially the fact that sharks havnt evolved for the last 1.9 billion years...

Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Department claims that The Great Brown is in fact a cross breeded specimen. A cross of a chiken's egg, a birds nest, an orangutan, and ofcourse, a strand of mutated variola with only half a brain.

Reportedly, a few students, including Agent M, Mr AB, and Mr R are going to fight for rights in the ultimate showdown, a bit towards the later side of today. The freedom seekers are said to be preparing themselves, arming with 1st class swear words, lifted right out of the internet. What may finally result is a show of true colours, and a deadly battle for the finish - between 12thers and the Great Brown Shark. But ofcourse, Child Protection Organization is on the standby to take over the situation if The Great Brown( with half the brains of a mutated variola) tries to discredit the crusaders using sexual excuses, as earlier tried against the AB duo. We shall wait and see the result of their experiment...

Till then dear readers, its adios amigos... But stay tuned to Witness Times for exciting new updates on his mutta-ness The Great Brown Shark, his stark naked head, his half a brain of a mutated variola, and his f**ka$$ attitude. All this, and more, as the clock ticks down the final countdown to school day, live and exclusive, only of The Witness Times.

The Witness Times News Corps 2006

[this news is not fake - maybe a teeeeeeeny bit exaggerated]

Disclaimer : This post is intended as a satirical work of part-fiction. Any

resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt to

death in a second class train compartment in Godhra - is completely

coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here

are not even his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the

Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the

parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration

of Human Rights. Please note that no objections can be legally brought up against the author, since no names are used, not insinuated to, in this blog, and since "Neo Garfield", the author of this blog, is not a living entity, and any legal procedures against him, will lead you to an endless maze...

All work and no play makes Jack yawn a dull boy... PART I

2006-12-11T00:50:00.000+05:30

Saturday,

December 9th

Another second Saturday which should have been spent luxuriously in bed till 10 in the morning, witnessed a record breaking event! Agent M, top reporter, editor, CEO, blah blah blah etc etc etc, of The Witness Times woke up at 6.00 AM!!! A feat seen neither in his normal school days, nor his exam days! And the reason? He was to spend yet another boring sports day in unprofitable boredom, the time, which otherwise, should have been dedicated towards making his body into a more sluggish sleep machine.

Anyway, with extremely timed accuracy, he reached his school, good old Udl, at exactly 0810 hours (he was asked to report at 0745 hours). But the "accuracy" didn't matter too much, 'coz most of the students hadnt arrived yet... By about 0845 hours, he gathered his heavy equipments of inappropriate sound - the base drum for the school band. Smartly assembled, in front of the school, was the school band, complete in broken instruments to not-to-be-seen discipline.

As the house captains endeavoured to herd the members into proper lines, the band members haughtily watched on, basking in their glory, of not having to be part of such a messed up ceremony, but in fact having the honour in making it much more messier. In front of the assembled band, was one of the houses, led by a close friend of Agent M's. Behind him, were 2 other house captains. Anyway, the general picture = extreme and quite efficient confusion, worthy of a Physics period by The Woman In The Red Dress.

This was when a Maruti Suzuki Esteem 2001 model car rolled majestically to the front of the school, braking in a 007 fashion. Five minutes passed, and the sole occupent of the car was seen peering expectantly out of the windows, as if expecting a welcoming party. To make himself more noticeable, he opened one of the doors. Nope, no welcoming party. 5 more minutes later, a regal looking man in a regal blue shirt and a regal offwhite trousers, sporting a regal tie, was seen emerging from the car.

The man, lets call him Mr X, spent an unpleasant few minutes, surprised by the general lack of order, and lack of proper recognition. After several disjointed minutes, which could have been an eternity for Mr X, he slowly dragged himself to the entrance of the school. A few minutes later, IG and the Great Brown Shark were seen running a relay race to the school.Quite surprising, 'coz the opening ceremony of the sports day was not yet over. After a few minutes, news leaked - Mr X in blue 'n white was the Chief Guest for the morning session. Mr X had calculated in his ex-Commander Indian Navy style, not taking into consideration the general amount of time required for Indians to be fashionable late (ofcourse, Indian Navies and Indian Armies are not really Indians - they are a breed of better Indians)...

And so, the morning ceremony began... The Parade Inspection was quite comparable to a Charlie Chaplin movie... We had Mr X, Ex Navy Commander, in smart Blue 'n White and Tie, and we had good ol' IG, in his ever lasting Striped Blue shirt (a memoir of his college-days) with a *elegant* dirt scrubbed trousers (a memoir of his school days) and an excellent paunch (a memoir of his present life).

As the day progressed, different events were witnessed at heightened levels of paradoxism... Laughter + Tears, Anger + Smiles, Flattery + Cynism etc.

Oh, and a snack counter was opened by the Interact Club, the profits of which funded the poor, and the proceedings of which made the funders poor. Agent S[ref : The Woman In The Red strikes back... ], reports that a short battle ensued in the counter premises, where a poor soul, with bulgan was denied lunch, due to acute shortage of food, and where the poor soul(lets call him Mr Oochan) begged hysterically for atleast a piece of bread and butter, and finally ended his protests my marching off into a nearby forest (from where he re-emerged after a few hours - heaven knows what he was doing!). Mr Oochan was also said to have assualted Mr V, the Treasurer of the club.

In the afternoon, the croud witnessed an amazing feat! A roadroller was seen to be moving through the tracks during the Super Senior Girls 4X100 Relay race with so much speed that "she" caused a hurricane which sweeped the other competitors off their tracks. "She" with a round mass of 1200 pounds (approx. 800 kilograms in metric scale) was seen to be a moving with a velocity which surprised all assembled audience and even the compirers to astute silence. Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Dept (WTVCD) reprts that her momentum was estimated to be about 50,000 kilogram metre per second...

TO BE CONTINUED...

[This news is not fake. Maybe a bit exaggerated...]

The Kama Sutra...

2006-12-05T00:15:00.000+05:30

Monday,

December 4th

First of all, let me apologise to all those sex craved fanatics who hurried to syndicate this post for its quite misleading title. This post, is not in fact about the ancient art of lovemaking born in India, but is rather a satirical work of research on a quite ambiguous imbecile, who somehow managed to land himself the position of "Manager" of a prestigious educational institution(Good ol' Udl :) ).

As Agent M investigated closer and closer, this quite fickle creature, who was seen often in the company of rather pompous donkeys, turned out to be a lot more than he had bargained for!

As the investigation started, Agent M asked, "What is Kama*?"

* = Kama here refers to the equally sounding name of the imbecile creature

As the investigation ended, Agent M asked, "I repeat, What is Kama? Is it vegetable or mineral?"

Yes ladies and gentlemen, shocking evidence reveals that Mr IG and The Great Brown Shark aren't actually as bad as they are supposed to be. This evidence reveals that the mastermind behind the confused, irritated, annoying, stupid, dullard, unintelligent characters of IG and The Great Brown are actually initiated and catalysed by the great Kama himself...

Just the last week, Agent M unearthed shocking evidence - videographical proof! He saw with his own eyes, the proof of Kama's homosexuality (in other words, Kama is gay!)! Kama was seen bribing a young male staff member, for reasons unknown, as Kama proceeded to tease and flirt the poor staff member in his private room.

A few questions hang suspiciously in the air...

Why is Kama ominously absent from the school, when his wife is present?

Why has the sofa in Kama's room been dragged outside? Is it going to give way for a bed, for easier activities?

Why is the TV kept in Kama's room? Why is he reluctant to open the safe? Has he inherited the behemoth XXX collection of IG?

Why was Kama unhappy to see the little girl wearing a short skirt picture in the school magazine draft? Why was he happy to see the little boy then?

In the wake of these questions, and the rather demanding presence demanded by his humungous body, its no wonder that the school has been cracking up, figuratively, and literally!

The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Dept. (WTVCD) has proposed a theory which describes the reason for the vast amounts of energy contained in Kama's hands. The theory links the bicep muscles, up and down motion, and Kama's frequent visits to the toilet...

As the investigation by Agent M continued, it revealed shocking evidence (yet again) which highlighted this fatass's greed for money. But again, WTVCD says that this is quite normal, owing to the fact that he has to pay for all those XXX movies (Mr IG is making a fortune selling them) and he has to hire all those gay prostitutes!

Meanwhile, plans are asail to sabotage Kama's means of transportation - his car. Of course, WTVCD says that this will be a welcome break for the car, since the poor Maruti 800 will not have to bear the heavy weight of Kama for the rest of its lifetime...

Indeed, Kama has been greatly infamousized by his delaying of the school magazine using useless and tactless alibis. He had a last minute argument, and prolonged this argument for over a week. This argument was about the addition of a "clearer" photo of a woman named Mrs Arf(code name). WTVCD has set forward a possibility that the poor wife of Mr Kama may witness a sensual and randy scene between Kama and Arf one day; but the rest of the WT staff has disgarded this theory, since Mrs Arf looks like a bitch with three quarters of an ear bitten off, and a smudged nose.

The final report highlights the following points -

Kama is a fu**a*s
Kama is gay
Kama might be cheating his wife
Kama is a 3rd as* who bribes staff for his sexual entertainment
Kama has well developed biceps
Kama exercises his biceps regularly with an Up-And-Down-Movement ™.
Kama is the doom of the school
Kama is full of sutra
Kama + sutra = utter rubbish

Thus, Agent M concluded his report. More on Kama, his secret sex life, his homesexuality, and other hot spicy issues, coming soon, live and exclusive, only on WITNESS TIMES!

The Witness Times News Corps 2006

[this news is not false, nor exaggerated]

Yon crimes of untold belief...

2006-11-10T00:46:00.000+05:30

Thursday
November 9th

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me first welcome you back to Witness Times after a loooooong gap of over 2 months! Anyway, we are back in business now, with a hot spicy story to cover up our absense.

Crimes, are of different types. And somehow, "some" people at the Udyogamandal School believes in different types of most officious crimes, judged by the integrity, sanity, age, sex, marks, class and flattering capability of a student/students concerned.

Well, the fun began a couple od days ago, with a "person" commenting about a most heinous crime. A terrific and atrocious sin, which made the "person" wish the rule-breakers instant death. And, uh, what was the crime? Failure to bring the library book to school within the due date!!!!

The fun continued, with absurd and insane new rules introduced, supposed to be of the purpose of "improving" or "hoping to improve" the school premises - no cycles allowed from students staying nearby the school... Yep... A few of the students now come in Rolls Royces and a couple of Benzes... How harebrained can people get? Why should a student staying 10 KMs away from the school come on a cycle? And why should not a student staying 1 KM away from the school come on a cycle? Taking into consideration the fact that about 3% of the total students in the school stay far away, of which .01% have cycles, we are discussing about conducting an All India Witness Times Humour Conference in the available space in the cycle stand...

And yet, dear reader, if you think that these above mentioned "crimes" were delirious, you aint seen nothin yet! Indeed, today, two of the school's most esteemed idiots, uh, sirs were seen commenting on yet another flagitious crime - the 12th STD students listening to music 10 minutes after the dispersal bell... Witness Times News Corps have received information that the "wrong doers" were severly questioned, and chastised.

It grieves us as much as it does to you to declare that the personality mentioned in the above instances are unfortunately the one and only, Mr G, the great, infamous, hopeless, grammarless, -censored- , head of the institution! Yep...

Honestly speaking now, the Witness Times is thinking of conducting a poll on who is more dumber, The Woman In The Red Dress(thankfully abdicated 3 months ago) or Mr G(still out there and hopelessly annoying). We would furthermore like to refer to Mr G as Mr IG [expands to Infamous G, Idiot G, In***t G etc etc etc, left to the creativity of the reader concerned].

Oh, and the Woman In The Red Dress has registered her protest against the competition at hand...

But of course, we are doubtful if any phrase of IG's will break the greatest slur in history, made by the Woman In The Red Dress - "That Meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......"
But, the staff here at Witness Times, are willing to bet a couple of beers that IG's latest phrase on stage - "Everyone is not, but, shall, will..err... have yes bring.... err.. bring yes... library in time books..." - might fare the competition.

This present situation is not only affecting the students, but even the poor animals! Today, we got reports from STD XII, which stated that a slug had been spotted inside the water bottle of one of the students... The poor carrier of pin worm larvae was reportedly trying to escape a speech of IG's... But the students were even more effected by IG that a couple of them actually drank the water, and reportedly, finished off the slug as well! Indeed, the last few hours of class today saw the STD XII students desperately trying to suicide using Mercury Poisoning methods, to escape from the hopless IGed environment!

Yet, close examinations, and tedious file work, has revealed that IG is not just another idiot as we thought him to be... He is suspected to have the largest collection of BFs, aka Blue Films, aka XXX, aka Porn, in the whole of the township, owing to his magpie like tendency to snatch such valuble material from the students of his older school... Ofcourse, the students at Udl are much more refined and sophisticated, and have their own methods of protection and careful data transfer, though they are seldom used due to the sophistication and refinement... In other words, IG's collection has ceased to swell... :)

Well, whatever may be the case, we at the Witness Times are keeping close tags at all concerned. As an antidote to IGness, we reccomend a good dose of Witness Times, taken at regular intervals, accompanied by loud hysterical laughter, and a bit of uncontrollable swearing(F U!)... If you are attacked by the IG, or by the Great Brown Shark, we reccomend a good course of steady English, using words such as "antideestablishmentarianism", "anticonvulsant", "antecedence" etc to confuse thy predator, and apply a technique named "THE HARE!" developed by the Team Editorial, 2006. To keep posted, visit, bookmark, and keep addicted to Witness Times!
By the way, please promote our new marketting catchphrase : "Addicted to Opium? Marijuana? Why waste your money? Get addicted, to WITNESS TIMES! From darkness to light... Gauranteed..."

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is true - might be a wee tiny bit exaggerated]

Disclaimer : This post is intended as a satirical work of part-fiction. Any
resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt to
death in a second class train compartment in Godhra - is completely
coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here
are not even his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the
Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the
parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration
of Human Rights. Please note that no objections can be legally brought up against the author, since no names are used, not insinuated to, in this blog, and since "Neo Garfield", the author of this blog, is not a living entity, and any legal procedures against him, will lead you to an endless maze...

Witness Times... The saga continues... Another Victory!

2006-08-13T17:35:00.000+05:30

Sunday
August 13th

ANOTHER VICTORY FOR WITNESS TIMES! In a suprising move yesterday, the Udyogamandal School Management decided to listen to the pleas of the +2 students, and the immensive strike put up by STD XII, by deciding to change The Woman In The Red Dress from her current position as the Physics Teacher, and to appoint a new teacher instead.

Witness Times Correspondent, Agent M, reported from Udyogamandal School yesterday that the new teacher being interviewed was better than any so far. Mr J, school captain, said, "Our only sorrow is that we couldnt give Mrs Red a decent send off" ("by kicking the boot in her ass!" he later added).

As we celebrate this victory at the Witness Times Head Quarters, yet another suprise follows. It seems that we have hit A HALF CENTURY in posts! Yes ladies and gentlemen, The e-Witness Times, the digital survivor, started a year ago, of The Witness Times, has hit 50 posts with this amazing news of The Woman In The Red Dress's departure!

But since time is always against us, we have to stop here... But stay tuned for MORE Witness Times. But before we end, a word from our editor -

Dear Readers,
Thank you for patronizing Witness Times,
and bringing it to the glory it has today. For
this, I promise you even better content at WT.
Witness Times is read daily by more than 70
readers. And the count is increasing day by day.
Once again, thank you dear reader...

Like our editor said, we'll be bringing you more spicy hot news. More spicy hot rumours. More articles which make your blood run cold....

Stay chilled to Witness Times as the saga continues...

The Witness Times News Corps 2006

Trains befooled... The Women In The Red Dress releases the BETA version of her hypothesis

2006-08-05T15:15:00.000+05:30

Friday
August 4th

Today, the much acclaimed and infamous Mrs Women In The Red Dress (refer to : [III] Woman In The Red Dress Yon Secrets Within , [II] She strikes back - Woman In The Red Dress , [I] The Woman In The Red Dress ) released her hypothesis, which was long rumoured to be in the making.

The BETA version of the hypothesis titled "That Meanse, trains will run, yes no?" was released for public opinion today in the Physics period. The hypothesis was put under careful scrutiny by the 12 STD students. Agent M reported that project was a First Class one, and one which would gain The Women In The Red Dress all laurels in Dr. Nair's Mental Hospital, Kochi.

According to her hypothesis, trains(electric OR diesel) run by the current produced due to the rubbing of the conduction stick on top of the train, with the wire above it. The thesis further says that the electricity thus produced, cannot light a 60 watt bulb, but can power a train pulling 20 compartments, going at 140 Kmph. The hypothesis also states that there is absolutely no electric current present in the wires.

It is rumoured that The Woman In The Red Dress will be sending in this report to The Nobel Prize Selection Commitee for their approval, and her Nobel Prize in Physics.

The Woman In The Red Dress also released her "Discpline La' Teaching" a few days ago, where in she advised all teachers to teach innovatingly, like she did. "To take an example," she said, "teach the Flemming's Right Hand Rule with your Left Hand to ensure better confusion in class."

But Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Department calculates that she will be gone by the end of the academic term. As per WTVCD, her method of teaching is directly propotional to a sloth teaching a slug how to vomit, and thus her students will more or less "kick her on the butt" before the damage exceeds the critical value. But conspirologists from Witness Times challenged this report : the fact remains, anyone who kicks her but will need to spend the least of 2 months in a hospital for breaking his/her foot by the foolish act of kicking a two ton rock.

Meanwhile, The Woman In The Red Dress is to represent the Udyogamandal School Teaching Community in the students interschool cultural event, The Vox Populi (http://witnesstimes.blogspot.com/2005/10/kaise-laga-acha-laga-how-was-it.html). The reason behind it was exposed recently - last year, another school had challenged The Udyogamandal School; and The Udyogamandal School is sending in Mrs Red to emphasise on the fact that even their worst, is so massive...

Thats all for now, ladies and gentlemen, about Udyogamandal School, and that ass of a woman - Mrs Red. But before we say adieu, we apologise for not posting any news for the last one month - we had a complaint with out data processing services (in short, the guy who's typing up this s**t right now was in the hospital).

So dear reader, adieu for now, but stay tuned to Witness Times - 'coz we'll be back for youuuuuuu!

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is true. this article is a wee bit exaggerated]

The Woman In The Red Dress - Yon Secrets Within...

2006-06-19T08:11:00.000+05:30

Monday
June 19th

BREAKING NEWS!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, The Witness Times has atlast uncovered the secrets within that catacombic brain of the Woman In The Red Dress(Oh! WT Scientists are estimating a minsicule brain amounting to a little more than a thousand neurons...) . Close examinations of her bodily actions, behavioral instincts, and acute characteristics, have lead the WT Scientists to a amazing discovery...

Meanwhile, The Witness Times Vast Consipracy Department has uncovered the facts about The Woman In The Red Dress's previous employer. Taking in to consideration the blowzy poses, charecteristical dressing, the sluttish way of talking, and the floppy forms of makeup, we have concluded that The Woman In The Red Dress previously worked for either of these two companies : Hustler, or Playboy...

Indeed, just the last day, a student asked a doubt, and to explain the query(which we presume was a useless gesture, since the student would end up more confused than previously), she attained a pose, worthy of Britney Spears, with the fatter part of her sticking out into the air, like in porno movies ;) . Neverthless, Mr S of STD XII, annoyed at being "butted around" utilized the oppurtunity, and positioned his pen, such that it inflicted many a shark pricks on you know where...

The amazing fact is that The Woman In The Red Dress felt the pricks, but never acknowledged the fact :) . She might presume that he's just getting, uh, "closer" to "knowing his teacher". Condolences to Mr S, and his (ex)girlfriend Ms A.

Annnndddddd.... The final triumph. As we mentioned earlier, the scientists have discovered her secret ambition...

She believes that Newton might have left out a couple of points in his gravitational theory. So she's out to prove those remaining points... Not by hard work, or thought, or imagination. We saw her more prevalant hobbies as strange... Irritating kids, irritating her husband, puncturing Tata Indigo tires, and finally, standing under coconut trees???!!!

Yep. As the apple fell on Netwon's head, she believes that a cocunut on her head will drill the secret formulas into her head... I pity the poor cocunut... But as Mr AB asked, what difference does it make if a cocunut falls on a jackfruit?

Anyway, we leave the story here for the time being... We wish our very best to the sluttish, hopeless, brainless, irritating, cocunut-happy, fat, obese, yucky, Playboy'is, Hustler'is, Woman In The Red Dress, in attaining her dream of a cocunut over hear head(we could help her too...). Our very best to Mr S, in attaining his dreams ;) , and our condolences to Ms A...

Asta la vista...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this article is NOT false NOT exaggerated]

SHE STRIKES BACK!!! The Woman In The Red Dress strikes back!!!

2006-06-14T00:45:00.000+05:30

June 12th

Monday

YAAAAAA!!!! She strikes back!!! The deadly snake, the woman of the species more deadlier than the male! The much acclaimed, obese, demented, loose-fitting, Woman In The Red Dress STRIKES BACK!

And her victims? The poor innocent students of the Plus Two Section. Yes ladies and gentlemen, proceeding the Witness Times reports on the Woman In The Red Dress, she became aggravated. She striked back with a force so symmetrical, so brilliant, so strong, so unique, that the spectators could only stand and stare...

Today, on the pretence of "cleaning the laboratory", she took the poor innocent kids of STD XII to the Physics Lab. A few shrewd students, including Agent M, lingered back in the class, feigning dust allergy, and warned their classmates to follow them. But those pompous poor innocent kids, did not pay a heed to their friends' words...

Catastrophy followed dear friends... Catastrophy...

She tortured them... A torture so cruel, so inhuman, so heartless, that even the Tsunami would bow before that venomous obese python of a physics teacher!

She excruciated them poor innocent students by making them slog over the dirty floors of the unclean lab. She embossed the room with the lethal particulate matter, which bounded the students in the lab, while straining their juvenile lungs. She forced them weak poor innocent kids to strain harder, in the ever growing pillum of dust! She forced them poor innocent asmatic kids, to spasms of severe bronchial disorders.The captive students, could do nothing, but obey the vulture's orders...

Eye witnesses say that a few students collapsed because of the cruel crucifying torture. And few say that, that witch of a Woman In The Red Dress, smiled, peering at the scene of distruction, and total rape. Agent M, who hurried to the spot to capture a few pictures, was paralyzed, by the scenes of his friends' torment!

And afterwards, The Woman In The Red Dress happily said,"I did this to STD XI too!"

WHEN WILL THIS END???!!!

Complaints are pouring in! But The Great Brown Shark says that the students will take some time to "adjust" with their new teacher!
But the students of STD XII are working on a project to somehow induce a strong static electricity, to a un-used tube light propped in the classroom, so as to propel it foreward, and attract it to the afro-hairstyled head of that stupid moronic Woman In The Red Dress!

Meanwhile, The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Department, has jumped into action. The WTVCD has formulated a new, more feasible, plan to decapacitate the already disfunct head of that vulture. The masterplan, inspired by the Mad Cow disease, deals with oddly distracting and confusing the already distracted and confused brain{Authors Note : Sorry for the anachronism, since reports are yet to prove the presence of a brain in Mrs M} of Mrs M[The Woman In The Red Dress].

This plan, spearheaded by Agent M, has already started beta testing. We encourage our Udyogamandal School student readers, to join this programme. All you have to do is whistle, groan, moan, whisper, yawn, fart, boo, tut, swear, laugh, tap, thump or immitate a cow, goat, pig, dog, cat, horse, lion, frog, lizard etc. during The Woman In The Red Dress's Physics periods. All help is greatly appreciated.

Meanwhile, Udyogamandal School is being terrorized by this hopeless, good-for-nothing, bitchy, irritating, shake-headed, Parkinson's disease addled, "loose-sari"ied, uncouth, uncultured WOMAN IN THE RED DRESS!

Stay tuned to Witness Times for timely updates, alerts, and more, on The Woman In The Red Dress....

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is not false . ok - maybe a liiiittle exaggerated :) ]

Legal Disclaimer: This post is intended as a satirical work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person or persons - living, dead, or being burnt to death in a second class train compartment in Godhra - is completely coincidental and unintentional. The views expressed by the author here are not even his own, and he seeks refuge in Article 19 of the Constitution of the Republic of India, the Bill of Rights issued by the parliament of the United Kingdom in 1689, and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Additionally, this article is not meant to offend any living or dead person, nor incite anger or hatred against people of a particular religious or ethnic community. The author believes in the equality of all men and does not believe in discrimnation against, or promotion of discrimination against any particular community. Discrimination in the author's view includes favours, including but not restricted to policies of affirmative action meant to favour one community over another. Thus, the crux of this article is a peaceful, non-seditious request to the students to treat all of its enemies, irrespective of caste, creed, religion or place of birth, equally.

If none of the above works, can somebody please tell me where I can get an air ticket to Cuba?

The woman in the red dress...

2006-05-28T00:55:00.000+05:30

May 27th
Saturday

Nope. Not "The Matrix"... A captivating lady has captured the whole of Udyogamandal School in her wake... But is she captivating? Read on, for THIS MYSTERIOUS WOMAN IN THE RED DRESS.....

Agent M, on his first report on this voracious lady, said,"Like physic-al man!"
NO! He's no pervert. What he meant, as we learnt later, was that this woman in question, was truly "physic-al." Nope, not physically, but physic-ally. Confused?

The mist might clear when we describe her, as a woman armed with the tools given by Einstein and Newton, and with the brains of a full grown orangutan.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet, Mrs M, the woman in the red dress, the woman has got it none, the woman who stands as firm as 2 foot long pinnace in the middle of the Pacafic Ocean, the brand new, and hopeless, person, who has come to educate the young minds of Udyogamandal School in the field of PHYSICS!

WT Xclusive interviews reveal that this so called red dress in a woman.. uh. woman in the red dress, is as hopeless at teaching, as a monkey is at sewing cricket balls. To quote : "... tardy-apish nation..."(thanks to Shakespeare 'ol buddy).
With an Xclusive with the much acclaimed Mr AB, he said, "This fat piece of obesity, is nothing but a flea in a wormhole, and we're unfortunately her wormish targets!"

BUT IS IT SO? The much daring Mr R, guts upped to shout out his heart to the class teacher, who immediately took the truth to our beloved good old Great Brown Shark. And the Shark reportedly hijacked two students from a Chemistry period, and had them blurt out all adversities in the face of Mrs M. A looong session, said Mak, who was one among the hijacked.

And... Did she improve for the better? Dear reader, NO SIRREEE! She came back to class with a definite determined trait, vigilant to tear apart anyone who dared to break her spree of confusion.
And yes, she did speak to the hijacked. To Ms R, one of the hijacked, she said,"Consider me as your elder sister..."
The WT News Corps would like to convey our heart felt condolences to Ms R...

Thus says Mrs R, after a much exhilarating class : "Shes onto me! I'm on her hit list! Help me... Pleeeeeeeaasseeee...."
Sorry Mrs R. The Witness Times can do nothing, but wish a pleasant life in the underworlds above... R.I.P.........

And The Woman In The Red Dress already broke a record of hilariousness! Earlier, the record holder was an ex-physics teacher, who said "All those who are absent, please stand up..."
And now, Mrs Red, as we like to call The Woman In The Red Dress, said aloud in class :
"Now, you might not reveal your minds to your parents, because of the generation gap. But please do with me. After all, we are all the same age group..."
Will someone PLEASE remind her that she's 45 years old, and not in her sweet seventeens???!!!

She, her goatee like hair, and her belly, preceding her into a room, have already established a niche in the Udyogamandal School Community... And, a niche in the hit lists of the +2 section. We, at the WT, believe that the school refuses to send her away, since the management may have received a fat check as donation from Mrs Red... But of course, lets not walk into conclusions....

So, lets leave Mrs Red, her obesity, and her atrocious teachings here... And lets delve deeper into the synonyms of "Good bye for now"...
Good bye for now :) More on Mrs Red, the reservation issue, and Udyogamandal School... Keep tuned to Witness Times! Your number one stop shop for nothing...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is not exaggerated or false]

RESERVATIONS RIOT : A WT Exclusive

2006-05-19T23:19:00.000+05:30

Friday
19th May, 2006

The ongoing reservations riots in India have intensified... Police action has been intensified... But people, are ignorant, still...

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Welcome to the Witness Times Exclusive on the ongoing "Reservation Riots" and "The truths within", read on...

Before we continue, we would like to emphasise on the fact that this is the FIRST ever issue on WT which is being discussed in a serious, and non-lighthearted manner. Also please note, that these are OUR opinions, and we are expressing it according to the Right To Speech, and Press Rights.

FLASH TO THE PAST : While the Indian Constitution was being formed, there emerged a discussion about whether to initiate a reservation in education and employment for those "downtrodden" castes. Dr Ambedkar was against it. But Jawaharlal Nehru, and Mahatma Gandhi spearheaded the law, and it became a clause...

Little did the poor revolutionists know, that they had created a monster in disguise...
58 years have passed...
Small reservation reforms have been implemented...
Then came, the Big 2006 Bang...

Arjun Singh, the ambitious HRD Minister, spearheaded a move to increase the reservation percentage in the most prestigious institutions in the country, to 49.5%. Rounded to 50%.

~~~~
The Witness Times has made a study into the matter, and we have compiled a document, citing interviews, news items, and other snippets, captured from many news sites. It is available for downloading at http://www.blogforpeace.org/PERSONAL/reservations.doc
We also reccomend the reading of http://augustfury.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=34
~~~

These institutions included IITs, IIMs, AIIMs, JNU, and all other national level colleges in India.
A grade on student recites, "India is my country, and All Indians are my brothers and sisters. I shall respect every relegion..." And so on and so forth...
But somehow, the Government decided not to practice what it preaches.

Here are the ugly, grimy facts -

A reservation of 50% will mean that 50 students in every hundred, will be from the so called "downtrodden" castes, including SC ST and OBCs
In India, 32% population is SC ST, and OBCs
Of the students appearing for these colleges, 19% are from the so called reserved category
That means, even if a general category student gets more marks than a reserved studen in an IIT JEE exam, the general student is denied entry into the most prestigious institution, and the reserved student gets in. Same applies for every national college in India
The students have started an indefinite strike, supported by the teachers, and the IMA, against the new bill
The students have formed organizations, "Youth for Equality" and "United Students Forum", to conduct the strikes, and if possible, peaceful demonstrations
Strikes have turned violent. Reports say that Police beseiged a peaceful protest
HRD Minister has shirked off arguments, and is refusing to comment
Students have started a hunger strike

So next question you're going to ask is, then WHY the DAMN reservations if its making such a big issue??? Why did Human Resources Development Minister Arjun Singh raise the reservation issue that has so quickly and deeply divided India?
Simple. Mr Arjun Singh, the bloody we-refrain-from-saying-what-else, is uncomfortable with Mr Manmohan Singh's Prime Minister position. So by making a big issue, it will be a double hit, one to Manmohan Singh, and the other to the Congress chief, Sonia Gandhi.

So now, you're thinking, "Yeah right! This Witness Times does make a lot of 'stories'. Are you insane???? "

No dear reader! No! This information leaked, after the foolish HRD minister tried to get the support of Mr Rahul Gandhi. Rahul, pure to the Gandhi family, betrayed the betrayer, and the PRESS had a field day :) .

So what's the problem then? Can't the Congress withdraw the proposal?

Oops. A small problem here. The bill is NOT a proposal. It has actually been passed by His Excellency, the President of India, and thus, it is currently a law, pending inclusion in the Constitution.

And what's his gain you ask?

Arjun Singh cites a report by Pulak Chatterjee, additional secretary in the Prime Minister's Office who monitors the implementation of the National Common Minimum Programme. The report, Arjun Singh claims, states that work related to the implementation of the reservation bill is pending.

Indirectly, Arjun Singh implied that the PMO and Sonia Gandhi, as chairperson of the United Progressive Alliance who directly monitors the National Common Minimum Programme, wanted him to fast-forward the quota issue and he is doing it.
Also, Arjun Singh gambled that if the reservation issue can polarise the OBCs and pro-reservationists in favour of the Congress he could make political capital. This looks unlikely now because of the crude landing of the otherwise politically profitable issue.

Yep. Thats the current problem...

Mr Arjun wanted a laurel crown. But now he's in deep s**t. His party is in deep s**t. And protesters are crying BULLS**T!

The Witness Times has made a study into the matter, and we have compiled a document, citing interviews, news items, and other snippets, captured from many news sites. It is available for downloading at http://www.blogforpeace.org/PERSONAL/reservations.doc We also reccomend the reading of http://augustfury.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=34

Dear reader, we are leaving this issue here. We hope that you have got an overview of the issue, and will do your best to support this movement.

Thank you for your time and patience. We promise you, the document will answer ANY doubt you have. Since we do respect your opinion, do post your comments.

Ta ta, and Caio for now...

The Witness Times
The Witness Times News Corps 2006

A diminutive contest, a valuble vote

2006-05-01T23:05:00.000+05:30

Monday, May 1st, 2006
Kochi

Hello again all. Strutting lazily in the holiday frenzy? So was we. Keep at it. Don't let us disturb you. But since you're here and reading this, it means that you disturbed yourself, and we're not responsible for you not strutting lazily about...

Are we talking gibberish? So sorry. :) . Anyway, here's something for you to do. All of you visit WT, read WT, talk WT, comment WT, conspire WT, rebel WT... So WT is an integral part of your lives. Something which keeps you active, and lively, and open to the threats of the real world. So why not Vote for Witness Times?

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a way to show YOU CARE! Visit http://www.fantasy-nerd.com/survivalvote.php and vote for Witness Times!

Vote for us, and we will surely make it worth the vote by giving you more quality articles ;) . Just kidding :D. Anyway, do vote for us...

Thanky you...
The Witness Times

A page from Agent M

2006-04-28T16:02:00.000+05:30

Friday, April 28th 2006

Hello all...
We know dear reader, the pangs of boredom hits your eye whenever you look at our blog. You're bored and inflamed by the lack of quality posts during the last few weeks... I guess we owe you an apology. And we also think that its our duty to explain that the lack of posts was due to the closure of the Udyogamandal School for summer holidays.

Come May 17th, and we will be back on track, bringing you hot rumours and the best of the stories from good ol' Udl. But until then, we HAVE to keep you entertained... Right? Thus, we are forced to bring in net news, news from India, and maybe from all over the world. So here we have personal events by Agent M...

A page from Agent M...

Phew! Its so boring... Its damnation... Its hopeless...
These same emotions and phrases hit me, when I log onto the net, and open my mailbox. A typical day starts with 95 new mails, and 189 spam messages. Of the 95, about 20 will be from WT readers(lately, they have reduced, and have become more violent), and the rest from friends, family and other useless forwards...

If I had did as per what the forwards had asked me to do, I would have saved a little girl called Sarah from cancer about 152 times, I would have married my crush about 78 times, I would have been the happiest person on Earth about 56 times, all my wishes would have come true 49 times, all my worries would have vanished 27 times and I would have believed that the skull the size of 100 humans really existed...

I never look into spam. I have to thank Gmail for it! One click, and another for deleting... But IF I had looked into my spam, by now, I would have had a 52 inch penis, I would have been the most sexually active person in the world, I would be richer than Bill Gates, after inheriting a billion dollar estate from Lui Franc's uncle, a flourishing oil company worth 7.6 billion dollars, and the entire money in the Citi Bank headquarters safe and I would have got every single software in the world for $1000.

After sorting through all these, I go into the community mails folder... There will be atleast 100 mails waiting for me, informing me about the members who replied to my threads and other stuff...

So much for email...

Sometimes I get SO mad, that I run to the balcony, look up into the cloudless night sky, and cry, "AM I ALL ALOOOOOOONE????!!!!"
And in about 10 seconds I get 100 replies from all over the world, "Nooooo!! We are there with you.... We love your site... By the way, want to enlarge your penis?"

So much for Agent M ladies and gentlemen... We are worried that he might get elected as a candidate for the mental asylum if it goes on like this :D

And because of much public appeal(all which were negative) we have decided to put an end to the Ex-Curse-Ion series... Sorry for the extremely boring days :)

So ladies and gentlemen, we leave you alone here, to browse through the cloudless posts of Witness Times :)
Aloha for now :)

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Amusing Day Two[2]

2006-04-10T12:11:00.000+05:30

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Amusing Day Two[2]

19th March, 2006, Cumili; Continuation of Day 2... Agent M narrates :

I snapped his photo and ran back to the bus, which was precariously rumbling, threatening to take off without me. Yessireee.... We went to the Pride of Kerala. The only few places in the world were the majestic race of Bengal Tigers existed. Thekkady.

We got onto one of the "trusty" boats of Kerala Water Transport Authority, and woosh we went at a amusing speed of 10Km/Hr. Hmmm... So much for Thekkady. All we saw were a few elephants, majestic in taking their daily baths, vultures, deer and an abundant no. of a species named "Homo sapien sapien".

The poor boat driver too must have thought about the same thing, so he tried to make the trip more interesting by having a boat race with another boat operater... Interesting... We thus got an oppurtunity to enlargen our vocabulary of Malayalam Swear words :)

Later, we set out to a hill station named Moonar. On the way, we got down at a beaaautttiful place named "Ramalkalmedu". A great hill, a great trek, and would have made a great suicide spot :) It was a place from where we saw the earth as map. Thus we conluded that the maps we used in Geography were actually photos, taken from top of this wonderful hill.

Finally, we reached Moonar, and had our dinner at a exquisite restaurant which caused our wallets to be rather lighter. We retired at our residence, a retreat centre. Did I say retired? Sorry. We started off the night with a campfire. Songs, Dances, Games and many other forms of indigenous plays followed, which if captured on camera, would have been priceless!

Later, we tried our hand at the Ouija board again, with a positive response! The 'spirit' gave her CV as thus -
Name - Bhanu Divakaran
Death Date - 3rd April 1990
Cause of death - Murdered by drowning
Who? - Murdered by husband due to dowry case
Children - One boy, unnamed when she died

Thus clattering to the teeth, we lay on our comfartable beds, trying not to think of the harrowing and spiritual experience...

Thus ended Day II.... Ladies and Gentlemen, keep reading WT for Day III...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is not exaggerated. this news is not fake]

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Amusing Day Two[1]

2006-04-02T00:13:00.000+05:30

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Amusing Day Two[1]

19th March 2006, Cumili; Ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the loooooooooong gap between the two posts, but here's day two of the much acclaimed STD XI picnic. Again, we let Agent M narrate...

The beautiful day started at cockcrow, with the amber sun peeping over the bluish clouds of dawn. A hurried bath, and we were back to a very "posh" hotel, which consisted of 1 room, 2 untidily dressed guys(whom we later identified as waiters), 2 cooks(whom, if you had seen, you would never have touched the food), a couple of girl watchers and zillions of houseflies! We had a "delecious" meal, which later a few of my mates had to throw out from their stomachs, which consisted of a popular South Indian dish named iddily, cooked in the most biased way, so as to spoil the every pico-calorie of reputation the dish had.

We were almost throuch munching up the iddilies, which felt rather like rubber balls, when I noticed an invasion! French? British? American? Nope! Houseflies! Noticing the danger, I sent out an SOS emergency to my fellow partners, and I went up to a rather old waiter to tell him to put on the fan. He had a royal air about him, as if he was throwing this weight about...

He flatly refused my pleaded request. Since I was not in the habit of arguing with idiots, I quietly returned to my seat. But he hadn't let the incident slip. He came over and said :
"Kalshershoono lernnes"

Woah! I knew English. I knew Malayalam, the local dialect. I knew a bit of Hindi. But this language did not register. I looked at him blankly, and with a satisfied face, he turned away.
Later, my mates interpretted the coded language as "Cultures should be learned". Interesting... Whats turning on a fan got to do with culture? How much learning did it take to flip a switch? This man obviously though that we were coming from the remotest parts of the world, not ever seeing how a fan worked. Thus he must have tried to substantiate his superiority....

The poor man did not know whom he was dealing with... The poor oldy did not know, that standing before him was Agent M, one of the most dreaded eavesdropper in the whole of Udyogamandal School. The poor old oldy did not know that the cobra was going to show its true colours... Read on...

I took out a mobile, and with a proud flourish, hit autoring. The man's face would have made quite a photo! He was amazed, not to mention nonplussed, unnerved, mystified, perplexed and lots more other synonyms. He looked on as I proudly announced the cricket scores. He watched with an open mouth, as I kept it back into my pocket, and took out my mini radio...

I decided to gather my guts, and ask him about the "Cultures should be learned" part. I asked him in Malayalam what it was all about. The guy was probably not properly educated. But he wanted to show off what little English he knew. He said something to me, which I had great difficulty in deciphering. Again he repeated the earlier sentence, and I readily said :
"NO! Cultures should be OBSERVED... MANNERS should be learnt... And its the basic manner of a hotel to avoid houseflies."

He stood their openmouthed again. Did he ever think that we didn't know English? He was considerably aggravated, and he was out looking for more victims... Oh! I had created a monster! The ruthless Frankenstein in me!

Well, his victim was Mr R. The much acclaimed guy who represented the school in the Vox Populi fashion events. A handsome hunk, sought after by many gals. The poor guy was standing, supporting his dignity on a nearby table. The Mr. Oldy came along, and gave him a speech in how India had lost its moral values, and how youngsters were getting lesser and lesser Indian every passing day. He began shining a bit too much. He went on saying, asking whether any of us knew a single word in Sanskrit, the oldest language in the world, which originated from India. He expected blank looks. No siree! He didn't get them. I readily spat out whatever little Sanskrit I knew, and that was the WT moto, "thamaso ma jyothirgamaya", meaning "From darkness to light".

Unfortunately, Mr Oldy did not practice what he taught, because he immediately vanished from the spot. He was next seen after all of our group had left the so-called "hotel". But he seemed quite beaten, and downtrodden... Rebelious truimph soared in my heart... I -

I what? What more happened on Day 2? How did the Mr Oldy episode conclude? Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen, to Witness Times for the rest of day two... Aloha for now ;)

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps
[this news is not fake. it is not exaggerated.]

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Demented Day One

2006-03-21T18:51:00.000+05:30

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Demented Day One
18th March, India; Hello all. We bring you a 3 day series, as we follow the STD XI students of the Udyogamandal School, on a 3 day picnic, which started on the 18th March, 2006. The 27 member student force was accompanied by 2 teachers, a bus, and two members of the driving crew(duh!). The rest, we let Agent M narrate :

A day of absolute truimph, revelling, untold excitement, and all other synonymns that go with "enjoy". We, a group of 15 a handsome hunks, and 12 an ugly gals, with two teachers, as escorts(God Bless the poor Souls!)[R.I.P], wet out from the famous Udyogamandal School at around 0515 hours. The tour(excursion, picnic etc.) was based around Gods Own Country, Kerala.

"A trip to remember" as we said later on. But let me give you the finer details of the extravagant trip! After we set off, our first stop was a small little restaurant, to stuff our endless stomachs with a much needed breakfast.
After this, we set off again and proceeded on to our first destination. Idukki. A place of treasures, and a place often cursed by us Keralites. A place which happened to be the source of all electricity! We first visited a small barrier dam, a ordinary-of-the-ordinary dam, which contolled the mighty forces of nature, but somehow, the guards of this mighty Herculean structure was too pre-occupied with staring at our class damsels to see the unbeaten me taking pictures(will be posted later on)!

Next stop, the largest arch dam in the whole of Asia + the deepest elevator system in the whole world. This was the source of all electricity(mentioned earlier) and would have been destroyed if the Matrix was to take place in Kerala :D . A beautiful structure! About 250 metres tall, and 4000 metres above sea level. But there arose a problem.

Indian Beaurocracy at work shall we say? The guards refused us entry! We protested, yes we did, that the mighty river Thames would have given way, by playing cards. :) Finally under extreme pressure of boredom, and reckless adventure, not mentioning the extreme desires to rest their hormones by the sight of a few of the negative sex, relented(or was it the 150 bucks our teacher waved at them?). Anyway, we got on top of the stupid dam and shouted "Im On the Top of the Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrlllddddd!!!". But let me tell you this, if we were men(and women) of terroristic intentions, we would have bombed the dam with our lethal nukes. :)

We set off again, quivered by our early success, to the hills of Vagamon. Ofcourse, we did see more places in and around Idukki, but none of them actually worth mentioning. In Vagamon, we conquered the mighty "Kurishumala" by over two hours of trekking and hiking. A perilious journey, lasting over an expanse of 5 Kms. Of course, the journey would have been quicker, were it not for the intense drag of gals who pleaded for attention, and nature's calls :D . Before this perilious trek, a poor soul risked his life with an ass of a horse, which easily shunted his approaches with a slap of his ass :D
As we got on top of the legendary Kurishmala, we yet again shouted, "Im on the Top of the Wooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrllllllllllldddddddd!!!" After a quick drink of water, we started on our way back down, stopping only to roll down a few gals who delayed our descend :)

Night had conquered the mighty sun, and we retired in a hotel which was named high, and maimed high. There, under the cold roofs of the hotel, we tried a hand on Ojo boards(rather known as Oui-Jah boards) with which we were told, we could talk to spirits. At one point we thought we had succeeded, only to find out that the devil of the idiot of the guy who had acted as the medium had tricked us. A WWF fight followed, wherein we expressed our 'subtle' feelings for him :)

Thus the night started, and so did our siesta... Good Night :)

Thus ended day one of the x-curse-sion. Not very eventful. Not that exciting. Hold on to your coats, ladies and gentlemen, for day 2, which will be posted later during the week, the delay owing to the need for photos which will add to the versimilitude. Day two tends to be excting, untold, unique, and unbelievable(not to mention damn hilarious).

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this article is not exaggerated or fake]

Udyogamandal r Us! Uniform Change due to pervertism!

2006-03-04T17:11:00.000+05:30

Udyogamandal r Us! Uniform Change due to pervertism!

March 3rd, Udyogamandal; Ladies and gentlemen, if you need more evidence on how Udyogamandal school has lost its standard, and has become a rallying point for several underground gangds, read on!

On Friday, the Great Brown shark revealed to an absolutely amazed STD XI that there was going to be a change in uniforms for girls of STD XI and XII the next year. Yep. All students were absolutely stupified at this bolt from the blue, since the current uniforms were cool and trendy, requiring no change. The current set of girls' uniforms included a skirt, shirt, grey socks, and a pair of black shoes(*not including whatever else they wear for their modesty inside*). The girls loved it. The boys liked it. But not the management! Why?

Oh Yes, the Great Brown revealed to the crowd the reason. And the reason was... Was... (*wait for it!*)... A phone call...

A phone call from a very responsible mother, of a innocent primary section kid. And what did this witch of a lady say? She said that her son was perverted (to degree so great, that the boys of STD XI sat stupified to an extent of permanant damage).

Perverted? Yessiree dear reader! And this pervertism went to extreme heights. Such heights that no rational kid would go to! A height, that could easily have been climber using an elevator instead of the rope and threepin! What did he do?

This so called kid in concern got a brainwave to express out his encased emotions. Being a primary kid, he wasn't allowed upstairs. So, he went to the foot of the stairs, and stared up. The high school boys recognised him for what he was - Mr Trouble Maker. But they left him alone for the sake of all humanity. The high school girls were sympathetic towards the boy. They thought that he was chalking up his ambitions!

Little did they know, that he was doing nothing of that sort. Actually he was using a devious method, to do high end voyeurism! He was staring up their skirts which were easily viewable since they were up the stairs, and he was down!!!

Yes dear reader, it chilled the brains of even Agent M, who was sitting amongst the poor XIthers, listening haplessly to the cruel story of deceit(*or maybe wondering why he hadn't thought of it :D *).

But experts are still arguing. What did the little boy gain from this? He could have spent 1/billionth of the effort to get a porn movie! And here, the boy must have seen right next to zero, owing to the many layers of protective clothing the girls wore(*so many layers-the exact number not known-that a cricketer would have stood amused!*). Debators say that not all girls of Udyogamandal are as modest as we think they are. The debate is still raging...

Meanwhile, The Great Brown hit the panic button. Instantaneously, if not quicker, he reccomended a change in uniforms to his superior donkeys(*uh. officers?*). And when Mr Great Brown hits the panic button, its usually effective. The new uniforms proposed have not, but the slightest posibility of voyeurism! A girl wouldn't be safer covered in a heavy pair of parkas, enclosed in a vacumised container!

But the issue remains - Udyogamandal has become a rallying point for such underground idiots, who have neither the brains, nor the politeness! "Woe is life", says a STD XI gal. But as long as such idiots are around, its fiesta time for good old WT... So until next time people, good bye, bye bye, aloha, al vida, au revoir, toodle-o and all other synonymns of sayonara...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[this news is not exaggerated. this news is not fake]

Ah! The suprisals of St Valentine : Part II

2006-02-23T23:38:00.000+05:30

Ah! The suprisals of St Valentine : Part II February 23rd, Udyogamandal; Ladies and Gentlemen, first, please give us the oppurtunity to apologise for a gap of 1 week without a post. We attribute this gap to our *excellent* internet sevice provider, who very providently cut our internet connection for a week, owing to the tiring action of some foolhardy script kiddie(hacker)! :D Back to the topic... The GREAT BET HAS COLLAPSED! The CEO of PAMPA, Ms Res, has been defeated in her part-battle bet for romance! She has failed miserably in attracting the eye of Mr J, on whom she had long since nurtured a soft spot. This news was to come out on February the 14th, but the mysteriours bet makers gave her another weeks time before she failed in the experiment.

Thus, today, she paid the whopping sum of Rs. 30/- (approx. $ 0.85/-) to the anonymous bet makers. But the day was not yet done with its surprises! No sirreee! Poor Mr. 23rd of February witnessed a great come together! Ms Res and Mr AB(the most infamous CEO of Bala's Girlfriend Club ) today united under a single arrow from Cupid's bow. Well, it might be one week after the Valentines day, but time is eternal for this new couple! Our Witness Times Agent M was able to procure a few Xclusive Interviews :

(1) With Mr AB
M : Hello!
AB : Hey ***h**e!
M : Um. Well yeah, ok. So what do you have to say about the very recent "come-together" between you and Ms Res?
AB :
M : Um, sorry! Didn't catch that!
AB :

As the situation had gone "speechless" we left Mr Speechless AB to go on with his activities...

(2) With Ms Res
M : Hiya!
Res : Hiya!
M : Whats up with you and J?
Res : Gone man, all gone!
M : Ok... So what about you and AB?
Res : Aaaaah... Mmmmmmm.... Oooohhh....
M : Uh? Res? I meant a comment. We dont need the exact recordings from yesterday night!
Res : Shtick
M : Tsish

Thus we leave Ms Res too, in a state of temporary dumbness...

(3) To Ms C, earlier sweetheart of AB
M : Hiya!
C : Hey! Whatsup?
M : Any comments on the Res-AB tieup?
C: No. None at all...
M : Why? Is it because you have got a new boyfriend?
C : Well, partly yes! KP is all I want in a boyfriend!
M : Ah! Ok. Cya then!
C : Bye!

Thus were the reactions of a few fellow students. But Ms Res did comment confidentially that she hadn't let Mr J off the hook yet. Woe is J! :D

Thus, we have, but to leave the lovesick couples, hoping that Udyogamandal School won't have to start its own baby bottle industry :D Au Revoir till next time(which will be quite soon, 'coz we have the sizzling article, but it needs a bit more research and pizzazz)

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[ This article is NOT false. This article may be a teeny bit exaggerated :) ]

Ah! The suprisals of St Valentine : Part I

2006-02-13T23:10:00.000+05:30

Ah! The suprisals of St Valentine : Part I

February 13th, Udyogamandal School; As the great day approaches, plans are in full swing , to incapacitate the poor innocent boys of Udl School! February 14th, the Valentines Day, holds a lot in store for Udyogamandal School. Or rather, Udyogamandal School has a lot in store for poor St Valentine.

Poor St. Valentine flagged off Valentines day, long time back, as a day for love, and friendship. But the state it has reduced to today, will probably pop Mr Valentines' eyes out! Oh yes! Today a group of "exiled" students(exiled from school to study for their approaching board exams) were seen hanging in and around the school premises. Spirits were high, and all students in the school left early today. And the reason? To prepare for the next day! To prepare the most despicable way to shudder a mate to death, by giving him/her gifts, not of perfumes or roses, but of kisses and sweet hugs.
Dear reader, this is not an exaggeration. Fortunately enough, one of our agents were able to spy into the casual conversations of a scheming pair of girls :

G1 : Tomorrow is a big day!
G2 : Oh yes it is! What will we do?
G1 : Dunno. I havn't bought anything yet. Have you?
G2 : I did! I bought him a lovely doll!
G1 : What? Boys don't like dolls you dumbone!
G2 : Is that so? Hmmmm... Do you think he will like my butterfly hairband instead?

Well, the conversation was somewhat similar to this, but the sinisterness of the text may be subdued a little when the fact is revealed that this took place between a couple of 11 year olds :D

Still, tomorrow holds a great secret to be revealed. "The Great Bet" its called! Made by the CEO of PAMPA, Ms Res, herself, for a boyfriend, in which a great number of boys acted cupids, to no avail! But another day left, anything might happen, which may include, but are not limited to, a full scale presentation, a strip show, a wet slap etc etc etc.

Thus, the boys of STD XI can look forward to a fantastic meal of 10 Munches( A sort of chocalate, something like Mars) as a victory meal, sponsered by Ms Res, if she fails to achieve her goal in successfully wooing Mr J to be her boyfriend, which has seemingly got impossible, owing to the fact that good old Mr J will be absent from the proceedings tomorrow due to a leg injury.

Well, like said earlier, anything might happen, on this Valentines day, and poor Mr Valentine can only stand and stare. What is to happen to the Great Bet? Continued tomorrow, in PART II! Stay Tuned! Toodle for now...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps
[This news is not exaggerated or fake]

The farewell barrel

2006-02-05T13:28:00.000+05:30

The farewell barrel

February 3rd, Udl; Crossing of opinions. Blending of hearts. A day full of sorrows, miseries, and sad partings. Meanwhile, a spider sat in the middle of the wast web, smiling at his sadistic creations, his innovative technologies, dreaming of immediate promotions...

Today was a day full of action, anticipation, and whole hearted sorrow. The 11thers bid farewell to their close friends and guides, the XII thers. But no, not all shared the hapless sorrow! The great brown shark, renamed lately as The Bald Headed Spider(inspired by USA's national bird :D ), sat alone in his cubicle, pulling the fibres of his web, making marrionettes of all. The rebellion had begun...

The Spider had pulled his strings for long enough. The 12thers were mad. Very mad. They decided to give a farewell treat to the school. They demolished their brand new green board! Yes, during a domestic struggle between two individuals of the opposite sex, gravity befooled, one flew at the board, and bathed in the shower of broken glass. Took action, yes he did, old crafty baldy Spider. He cancelled the farewell ceremony!

The 11thers were enraged, to put it slightly. They came in a bunch to attack, and tumble his cubicle, and him with it. But settled, did he, for a measly sum, a bribe, some money! He agreed, again, for the farewell treat, and all other things that the attackers proposed.

Thus beauty and chivalry met at 3 O' Clock noon. They came, they saw, they rejoiced, alecea acta jest! Thus saying, we end this poetic post, saying adieu to our beloved victims-uh, 12thers.
Adieu, Goodbye, Al-vida, Aloha...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[This post is NOT exaggerated. This news is true.]

Happy Birthday Witness Times!!!

2006-02-01T07:59:00.000+05:30

HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY TO WITNESS TIMES!!!
HIP HIP HURRAY!!!
:D

Eyebrows raise... Prince a sadist?

2006-01-25T20:39:00.000+05:30

Eyebrows raise... Prince a sadist?

25th January, 2006; An exclusive undercover spy mission by our Agent M has unearthed shocking evidence against the much acclaimed Mr Principal of the Udyogamandal School. The evidence, in rating, was so overwhelming, that even our Agent M stared at the events, mouth hanging, and he forgot to take a picture.

"He did that?? Oh God! To think we though of him as decent! Now his integrity is questioned!", Said Mr AB in an exclusive poll. The act was so shocking, brutal, and sadistic, that even his(Mr Principal's) post will be questioned if the news broke out(*that act is well handled by WT :) *)!!!

And what did he do? Dear reader, ashamed are we to reveal such scenes of brutality in the most prestigious Udyogamandal School! At approximately 2:45 PM today, our agent witnessed the brutal of all brutal acts performed in Mr Principal's room! Four small innocent cherubs of STD II were scene entering the room, along with the maid, of whom, the maid was instantly shooed out.

At this interesting paradox, our agent leaned a bit onto the door and heard the following conversation :

Mr Principal : He did that did he? Well then, take your sketch pen and do it on them! Don't let the get away with it! Do you think your mother won't be furious?

The content was very interesting. So after about a minute, our Agent peeped in, only to have witnessed the most sadistic act he had ever seen! The poor cherubs were disrobed! Yes reader, when we say disrobed , we mean disrobed!!! Their shirts were on the floor and they were staring vividly at each other, while Mr Principal glared at them!

At this point, shocked on seeing such brutal acts, our Agent M, ran back. Later the story came out... Three of the kids had done a simple act of playing tic tac toe, with sketchpen, using the fourth kid's shirt as a board. And for this, Mr Principal had inflicted upon them the cruel and inhuman punishment!

"Shameless animal!", Said one of the STD XI students. Yes compassionate reader, we agree wholeheartedly with her! This is said to be another part of the much infamous Conspiracy. But, this is going too much! We would like to remind you dear reader, that these kids were underaged, and they were indulged in the sexual chastisments by Mr Principal.

Thus, we end this article, leaving ourselves a in a shocked state, thoroughly upset by these un-ethical approaches by Mr Principal. Dear reader, decide, impeach him, or boycott him?
Au Revoir for now...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[This news is not fake. This news is not exaggerated]

Mr AB goes anti - Udl : Part I

2006-01-21T15:41:00.000+05:30

Mr AB goes anti - Udl : Part I

20th January, Udyogamandal; In a shocking development today, two mysterious anonymous informers reported that much infanmous Mr AB had gone anti-Udl by canvasing for his girlfriends outside the Udl archives.

He was reported to have asked a girl for a date in Mr AB's house, which she accepted. Considering the fact that she was an ugly little duckling, we can leave that strike out of Mr AB's scoreboard.

In an exclusive interview with Mr AB today, he said, "No way Im going steady with her! Im using her as an agent to get that other pretty girl :) !" This fact remains to be clarified as Mr AB seemed quite cheerful and happy with his current date.

During the interview, Agent M asked him why he had decided to select a specimen of the negative sex from outside the hugely vast Udyogamandal School. He answered, "Change! The only constant thing in the universe is change! Change is the secret of success!" (We are yet to find what kind of "success" he was referring to :D )

Though Mr AB gave these alibis, our Vast Conspiracy Dept. thinks that its just a usual useless mundane alibi. The Dept. says that Mr AB was frustrated to rot since his girlfriends had deserted him in search of better prospects. The so called Bala's GirlFriend Club had to shut down recently because of lack of members. The XIth STD girls went off looking for better prospects, as said above, and the Xth STD girls got occupied with their board exams coming in two months.

Our informers have also informed us that he(Mr AB) has not shut down the Bala's GirlFriend Club, but, has infact recruited two members outside the Udyogamandal School to reopen the activities of the club. These new girls were reported to be residing in close proximity to Mr AB's house, and therefore gaurenteeing better access during any time of the day.

In another statement, on being asked why he made this decision, he said,"Im going anti-Udyogamandal! My ignorance of Udyogamandal School girls is a protest against the vast cutting down of trees in the campus!" Such a movement, of boycotting local Girlfriends, is a unique one. We would have loved to advise him that hugging the trees as in the Chipko Movement was a better idea, and much more successful, rather than ceasing to hug his girlfriends :D . But unfortunately, he had a preset appointment(with heaven knows whom) and instantly disappeared from the scene.

Has Mr AB gone bonkers? Has his hormonal frustration driven him to insanity? Or is it the responsibility of being the Prefect of a notorius class? As our agents and reporters dive in, into the root genetic causes, ladies and gentlemen, stay tuned for Part II. Toodle for now :)

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[This news is true. This article is a bit exaggerated]

==++{ Give Peace A chance... www.blogforpeace.org }++==

The newbie peacie on the bloc

2006-01-15T13:36:00.000+05:30

The newbie peacie on the bloc

January 15th, WT HQ; Hey all. Heres an announcement for all you "peace" lovers out there. We at the Witness Times are bringing out a new blog. Something for a good cause. Something that will make Bush raise his eyebrows! Something, if successful, will make you glow in warmth. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome our new blog, Blog For Peace.
With lofty aims, which aim at worldwide peace, this non profit organization is bent on creating a peace revolution, which will unlitmately conquer the world with their noble aims. Meanwhile, lets hope that this isnt what you call "The Conspiracy". Lets hope that this does not end up like a story right out of Robert Ludlum novels :)
You can visit this new blog at www.blogforpeace.org
Enjoy and ta ta...

The Witness Times

Speculations Befooled... Part II : The Choice

2006-01-09T21:58:00.000+05:30

Speculations Befooled... Part II : The Choice

January 9th, STD XI; In a daring, well-planned, devastating move, Ms F, today, indirectly revealed her choice of her next victim - her true boyfriend! Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, the true unfortunate victim of bloodshed (*DAMN YOU! NO PUN INTENDED!*) was revealed today afternoon in a daring as well as amusing fashion.

Well, in India, there is this thing called Relegionism. People of two different relegions do not interbreed, uh, inter marry(*Biology has made our editor's mind oblivious to earthly terms :D *). So today our fair damsel, Ms F, approached Ms C(* The elephant of the class *) in a quite suspicious manner. The conversation that followed is thus :

Ms F : Hi! Which relegion is ****(Mr AB)? Is he a christian?
Ms C : Um. No. He is a Hindu!
Ms F : Oh!

Ms F walks off, with a highly disappointed look on her face!Why? Continue on to evidence no.2 ...

Evidence No.2 :D

It cant be helped Ladies and Gentlemen, that Mr AB has 2 Reddish Brown lipstick marks. One on his shirt shoulder, and the other on an body anatomy we should speak not of!

The red squared on the picture show the approximate locations of the lipstick marks. Face distorted for privacy reasons.

So dear reader, we at the WT, can do nothing but assume that Mr AB had a early morning encounter with Ms F which can be explained by the term : "Erotic". Oh yesserriii! And Ms F was so pleased by Mr AB's perfomance, that she actually wanted to make him hers... A plan which failed miserably. But ofcourse, another year and 2 more months to go until the parting time. Loads of time for acute relationships :) .

Adios dear Mr AB! We will miss your sane presence, but thats one thing we can do without! Wishing Mr AB all the best and a bidding a tearful adieu, and Ms F a damned kick...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2006
[This news is not false. This news IS exaggerated a bit! ;) ]

Speculations Befooled... The Pretty or the Time?

2006-01-04T20:27:00.000+05:30

Speculations Befooled... The Pretty or the Time?

January the 3rd, STD XI; Speculations Befooled... Is the Pretty or is the Time? The question remains... Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the highly infamous, Ms F - the aspiring nun-to-be, the so called virgin, the tribute to God. And the famous Mr AB, and the not-so-famous Mr BM.

On this very auspicious day, which also happened to be our Editor's Birthday, Ms F released a poem deep into the peaceful realms of STD XI, Udyogamandal School. That poem, written with utmost care, and dreams, was aimed at leaving the poor students in awe(*oops.Wrong word..*) and absolute mental pandemonium! And it did too, dear reader, it did. All the students were lassoed into the thoughts of Ms F's would be boyfriend was... Mr Time, or Mr Pretty. Ah, you are confused as well? Hold on till you read the poem...

I lay awake at night,
See things in black and white,
I've only got you inside my mind,
You know you have made me blind!
I lie awake and pray,
That you will look my way,
I have all this singing in my heart,
I knew it right from the star,
Oh my prett pretty boy, I love you!
Like I never ever loved anyone before,
Pretty Pretty boy of mind...

Just tell me you love me too,
Oh my pretty pretty boy, I need you,
Oh my pretty pretty boy, I do!
Let me inside, make me stay,
Night beside you,
I used to write your name and put it in a frame,
And sometimes I think I hear you call...
Right from my bedroom wall,
You stay a little while,
And touch me with your smile,
And what can I say to make you mine?
To reach out for you in Time...
Oh my pretty pretty boy of Time...

Yes ladies and gentlemen, you were just treated to the absolutely romantic(*rather erotic*) poem by the legendary Ms F! This nitro-glyceric-poem was spread in class, and somehow, it spread faster than the usual hard copy Witness Times. And now for the ultimate show of arms..

Who is this "boy" she mentions?

Is it Mr AB, or is it Mr BM. Reasons you ask? Well of course you can! She mentions in her poem a dozen times "Pretty Pretty Boy". And Mr AB has this habit of using the word "Pretty" very often in whatever he says. For example, he says "The movie yesterday was pretty good. It was in this pretty good channel. And the pop corn I ate was pretty tasty" and so on... So, it might be Mr AB!

And afterwards, she mentions a few times "My Time Boy" which might refer to Mr BM! Mr BM goes for tution in a highly baised and stupid institution called "Time". :D We hope that you are a Homo sapien sapien with the IQ of atleast a primate, so that you can work out the above relation!

So who will it be? Mr Pretty(Mr AB) or Mr Time(Mr BM) ? If its Mr AB, she has to go through the severe registration procedures of The Bala's Girlfriend club, and also stand the critisism/envy/jealousy of his other Girlfriends. If its Mr BM, she has to undergo the severe and firm tauntings of Mr AB for not joining his Club.

So dear reader, like Frank R.Stockton, we end this post with a question... Who will it be? Mr Pretty? Or Mr Time? Its your guess. Its your choice. Anyway, its fine with Ms F!
Au Revoir!

The Witness Times
The Witness Times News Corps 2005
[This news is not fake. This news is not exaggerated.]

Another year, another scandal earned...

2006-01-01T01:02:00.000+05:30

Another year, another scandal earned...

December 31st, 11:59:59 PM, WT HeadQuarters; Friends, Netizens, Countrymen... Lend me your ears, um, eyes... I come here not to praise 2005, but to bury him! Ah the ironies of life! 2005 was quite a year, not only for Witness Times, but also for the rest of the world. We took blow by blow, taking each of nature's wast furies in a more audacious manner. And nature, struck back, with even more fury, taking, along its wake, lives of millions! Meanwhile, the Witness Times struck back, with even more vigour, leaving in its wake, laughing and smiling thousands!

Yes dear readers. 2005 was quite a year! We upgraded from hard crude copy to soft copy where thousands viewed it... We upgraded again to fair hard copy AND soft copy, stealing appeals of many! And, we hope dear readers, that we HAVE proved ourselves as a no.1 source as a scandal blog :) ! And so the headline, in this post. Lets hope for the best next year too...

Meanwhile, as we leave behind good 'ol 2005 in this fast paced world, let mus take this oppurtunity to wish all of you a
HAPPY PROSPEROUS AND A DAMN GOOD NEW YEAR 2006!!!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen for your valuble time... Toodle O!

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2005
[This news is not fake. This news is not exaggerated.]

My day on Friday, the 16th of December 2005 : An autobiography by Agent M

2005-12-16T20:30:00.000+05:30

My day on Friday, the 16th of December 2005 : An autobiography by Agent M

16th December, Udyogamandal Grounds; "WHY? WHY ME?", Asked poor innocent naive me. This day, this dreadful, unfortunate, fiasco of a day, forced me to tears! An element of surprise one might say... But it was much suprise for me! Two dreadful events; A dreadful defeat; And one dreadfully downtrodden me is what the Day got by his end! The cause of misery you ask, dear unknowing[*OK fine! Its bad grammar. But Im allowed blogging license...Arent I?*] beautiful reader?

Let me explain! First I found that I was inauspiciously related to the well known Mr/Ms S of STD IX, the infallible sweetheart of Mr V of our own class!!! Imagine that wretch of a creature being related to poor, old, innocent, naive, unknowing me! And the relation? Mr V revealed that Ms/Mr S was distantly related to him. And unfortunately I, that is to say Agent M, is related to Mr V distantly. Thus I'm related to Ms/Mr S of STD IX! And thus, my life is to the dogs! :(

Ok fine, not that big a dog! Its just an expression. And you wiseguys at Witness Times, stop trying to play on a gag on your chief reporter! And the second reason? Maybe you all remember Ms LM. The "infallibe" girl from STD X who can't keep her mind off the "infallibe" love for the greeeaaat Mr AB! I remember her well since it was I who interviewed her for WT! Well anyway, she came to me in a presumptous manner, which would arise caution in the minds of any senseful boy. And fortunately I was a sensible boy :D

So I used excessive caution in talking to her. That was when the topic of a Ms As came up. No you don't know her. She has not yet been featured by WT. She is a student, studying along with Ms LM. She is also the elder sister of poor Mr Karthik who comments here often. Well, back to the story, the topic of Ms As came up. And U-N-F-O-R-T-U-N-A-T-E-L-Y she said that Ms As had a crush on a boy of our class! Thus the search began, to find the poor innocent boy of STD XI who was going to fall victim to the clutching claws of the vicious Ms As. The search began to find the poor guy who was going to be the victim of the next cruel, evil devirginisation. My heart cried with all its voice and strenght, singing a song of lament to the poor boy who was going to fall victim to this evil - the negative sex(*girls of course!duh!*)!

Well, Goddess Shai had not finished her fun(*AND I RESENT THAT YOU WITCH!*). Dear reader, guess, who was going to fall prey to those vicious claws... Guess who was the victim to the unfortunate attack... Guess who was being used as a tool for fun and enjoyment... Me! ME! Good old me! Poor old innocent me! And behind my backs too! Fate playing against the master of gossip!

And again, my life was run over by a pig!

No wiseguy! Its just another expression!!!

And that kind of sums up the day... Except for the crushing defeat our team had in the Interhouse Athletic Meet! Ah well, not one of my better days... Now that you mention it, never been worse! But then, as the optimist I am, every dog has his day... And I will too you dirty which of a Goddess Shai!

NO! Not him again! Its another damn expression. And I guess its time to change my deputy editors! They are trying to play the wise guy by making this picture pop up! Woe is life...............

--

Thus we come to the end of the first ever autobiographical post by our own Agent M. We do not own any rights for this message, this cry from a supressed soul, this lament which brought him to tears! Before we end, we congralate the STD IX girls who succeeded in crushing this information for many months from our expert spy! So we end by saying, until next time, ta-ta!

WT People of The Year 2005

2005-12-07T23:29:00.000+05:30

WT People of The Year 2005

December 7th, Udyogamandal; In a lightning decision taken today, inspired by The Great Brown Shark's record of 90 "actually"s in 15 minutes during an EVS period, the Witness Times decided to select The Witness Times People of the Year 2005. This title is for all those reputed people fit to be in the Witness Times Archives.

Procedure : The Witness Times selected four of the most prominent entries, two from Male section and two from Female section. These nominees were put to vote in STD XI, Udl School and the male and the female getting most number of votes were declared the People of the Year 2005. Each student had 2 votes - One for a male and One for a female. We are happy to announce that we had 100% polling.

Nominees : The Nominees were -
MALE SECTION
(1) Mr Great Brown Shark(Mr BV) for his unbeaten 90 "actually"s in just 15 minutes, which has broke all existing records. Meanwhile we congratulate The Great Brown Shark for this achievement!
(2) Mr S, mentioned earlier in WT. Under the alias of Ms S, a poor contented girl who is also the dirty, thirsty crush of Mr V, and of Ms F, nominated for his ultimate magnum opus of ace disguise which befooled every single person for years!

FEMALE SECTION
(1) Ms S.Rani , a compassionate friend of Mr AB, nominated for her record breaking 8 inch from the hip miniskirt. Gagagagaga!
(2) Ms Anj , the ultimate groundnut eater, whose hobby is stealing hot hot groundnuts from a poor innocent mongolian dog, nominated for her groundnut only life-sustainability!

The students voted for these 4 equally competent nominees.... And the winner?

Ladiessss anddd Gentleeemennnn....
Applaud your hands fooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrr the winnersss,
The Great Brown Shark, for his 90 Unbeaten "actually"s, with a whopping vote percentage of 65% aaaaannddd Ms S.Rani for her unbeaten 8" show-as-much-as-possible miniskirt with a lead of 51%!
We congratulate The Great Brown Shark and Ms S.Rani... And to Mr S and Ms Anj, better luck next time!

And what do the winners get? An all expense paid trip to a divine, beautiful place called Heaven in about 90 to 100 years ; A WT-POTY badge that they can display as their own ; A cash price of 50 paise[ 1/90 $] (if they have a CrayMeCard account, which is a fictional organization from our Editor's figments of Imagination :D )

We congratulate our winners and thank our visitors and voters! Cheerio!

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2005
[This news is not fake. This news is not exaggerated.]

Letters to the Editor (I)

2005-12-03T22:11:00.000+05:30

Letters to the Editor (I)

Cyberspace, December the 3rd; Ladies and Gentlemen, after our immediately previous post about a very chattery parrot, we recieved many letters about parrots. One of these included this short video...

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome, Mr X, another member of the genus Psittacus erithacus .
He thinks that he's a smart guy(And he is too!). His jealousy(or maybe love) for Crystal(see earlier post) has been openly revealed in his soliloquy. Again another textual interpretation -

All the speech is spoken my Mr X himself, as shown in the picture below. We give you his actual words(or rather, all what we could interpret) and time of talk(er, chatter).

(Picture the property of The Witness Times News Corps 2005)

Mr X's would be thoughts(again made up by us) is enclosed in [- -]
Our comments are enclosed in (* *)

Begenning - Hiya Coco (*honest!Thats what he said!*)

Start of other video(heard in the background) - *Laughs hysterically* Hahahahaha! [-What a damn pile of a bird is that???-]

After sometime(when crystal introduces herself) - *Laughs hysterically again* (*Anyone let loose a tank of laughing gas?*)

When Crystal makes the rooster sound - Uh? [-Hmmm...She is good...-] (*Ah! Cupid at work!*)

Just a moment later - Wewewewewe [-Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga..Come to my arms..uh. wings-] (*Cupid's doing real good here!*)

When Crystal makes baboon noise - What? Wewewewewe... [-Ah! Come to think of it, I will come to your wings... Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga-] (*Hmm..Is that you Cupid, or do I detect an unknown element?*)

At this point of time, Mr X decides that the cute gal (*NO! NONONO! We are talking of the Female Parrot, Crystal! Not anything else! Honest!*) is worth a checkout. he walks towards the screen...
On closer examination, he finds many flaws in her...

*Mr X laughs hysterically* Hahahaha! [-Yeesh! She should be made illegal for defacing the parrot community!-] (*Ah! This guy here has a great future as a politician... By the way, Cupid got kicked out...*)
After laughing - What craaap? Hahaaaaahahaaaaaaa! *Laughs even more hysterically!* [-Damn crap allright!-]

Mr X decides that he had seen enough and tries to switch the computer off by clawing the keyboard. He couldnt at first. So he moans in his delirium "Yeah!Yeah!YeaaH!" . Finally get switches off the video and decides to check his mail before shuttind down. All hail the techie-parrot! He later tries to shut down by clicking "Alt". The video ends...

The video is hosted at http://www.metacafe.com/watch/47226/funny_parrot/
Thus, yet another veteneritarian character expressed via the worlds greatest rumourpaper! And for all those who are going to reply to our editor asking whether Witness Times switched to an animal humour blog, the answer is NO!

So thats for now! Toodle O!

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2005
[*This news is not fake. This news is not exaggerated*]

Some organisms never know where to stop...

2005-11-30T20:45:00.000+05:30

Some organisms never know where to stop...

Cyberspace,Unknown date; Some people, uh animals, just don't know where to stop! They just go on blabbering a ninteen dozen! What do you say huh? Just blabbering(in this case chattering) annoying people and the eco system alike. Well, what if its all for humour? What about a few laughs?

OK fine, the WT was late to catch up on this little snippet, but better than nothing as we always say!
There's this little parrot called Crystal who knows very well how to entertain a thirsty audience. Here we unfold the conversation between her mistress and herself in a show in
Animal Planet. This show was obviously aimed at amusing poor Homo sapien sapien souls.

-START OF SHOW-
Our comments are embedded in [* *]
Crystal's would be thoughts(which we made up) are embedded in (* *)

Lady : Say hi. Can you say hi?
Crystal : whooooooooo [*aah! Even the parrot thinks the show is rubbish!*]
Lady : Say hi
Crystal : Helooo
Lady : Whats your name?
Crystal : Tic tic tic (*obviously Im getting ready for her magnup opus*)
Lady : Your name!
Crystal : Crystal
Lady : Ok. Lets start off with some animal noises. Lets do-
Crystal : Tic tic tic (*double ready*)
Lady : Ok. She needs to get ready. Do a wolf.
Crystal : howwwwwwwwwwlll...
Lady : How about a bird?
Crystal : Squeak squeak..
Lady : Owl?
Crystal : ooohm ooohm ooooooooooohm.
Lady : A rooster?
Crystal : Cockecoocle coo.
Lady : Can you do a penguin?
Crystal : Penguin? (*Seriously ma Lady, ARE YOU INSANE?*)
Lady : How about a chimpanzee?
Crystal : oo oo oo aa aa aa... (*Chimp you all!*)
Lady : Can you do a pig?
Crystal : Oink Oink Oink
Lady : What about a pig on a diet?
Crystal : Oink Oink (*Whats the difference?The pig is still porky*)
Lady : No...A diet!
Crystal : Grunt Grunt Grunt (*This lady is too much!*)
Lady : How about some tiger sounds?
Crystal : Grrr..
Lady : Yeah...They Growl!What about a snake?
Crystal : Stay cool...
Lady : Lets do some sound effects. Spaceship?
Crystal : woop woop woop (*What the hell is this all about? AI?*)
Lady : Good. Now a spaceship with a lazer?
Crystal : Beep Beep Bep Pioooow (*Ma Lassy, what seriously is your problem?)
Lady : Yeeeaaah...Can you fall down?
Crystal : Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiuuuuu Pow. (*And hope you land in a pigsty!*)
Lady : Very good... A slash. Does it hurt?
Crystal : Ow Ow Ow.
Lady : Maybe you could whisper?
Crystal : wishshshshhshshshshshshs
Lady : How about eeevil?
Crystal : Ark Ark Ark *Muahahahhaha!Im EVIL!*
Lady : Lets sing some Opera
Crystal : *whistles...*
Lady : I think this is a lot of hard work! This is a lot of hard work? (*What else you incompassionate pethater!*)
Crystal : Phew! (*You have no idea people!*)
Lady : We are not done yet.. What do you think?
Crystal : Nope... (*Damn!*)
Lady : How about fiesta..
Crystal : rrrrraaaaa (*and add a "pe" too with it for you!*)
Lady : Allright! Go crazy for everybody!
Crystal : *ruffles her feathers* Wooo(*Is that crazy enough my dear craziness?*)
Lady : Allright she loves to party *starts nodding her head*
Crystal : *Starts nodding her head like her mistress as if enjoying a song* (*Ah! The Vanities of life...*)
Lady : Need something to drink?
Crystal : Beer! (*Oh yeeeah! Now you'r with it!*)
Lady : NooO!Beer?!!You dont drink beer! You drink water![*Honestly Lady, what did you expect?*]
Crystal : Ok. (*Damn it! You are NOT with it!*)
Lady : Ok... I have a problem! [*Oh really?*]
Crystal : Whats the matter? (*I don't give a damn anyway! Just to be a good sport...*)
Lady : I lost my dog. Can you call him?
Crystal : *Whistles* Come here! (*And satisfy this sadist's needs!Lady indeed!Pthew!*)
Lady : Good job... I don't want the dog anyway, but its too boring!*yawns* [*Lady, you go TOO much!*]
Crystal : *yawns* (*Im bored too you DUMBONE!*)
Lady : Ooh yeah.. Now we all love you... You are famous!
Crystal : Astalavista! (*Curse you! Curse you curse you curse you!*)
Lady : Yes! Ok. What do you say when its time to go? [*FINALLY!*]
Crystal : Goodbye! (*And finally! Not a moment too early!*)
Lady : Goodbye! See ya!

-SHOW ENDS-

The nerve on the lady to call herself a lady. She was torturing the poor big tounge! Ah well, it was quality entertainment! And thats what WT is all about!
Oh, before we say Cya, heres a little something for you to check out :
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/26051/talking_parrot/
Its the link to the video :D ... Have fun!

Adios Amigos!

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2005
[This news is not fake. This news is not exaggerated.]
Comments via Macroscope or Comments field.

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Mac-Dogals....Im Lovin It!

2005-11-29T14:17:00.000+05:30

Mac-Dogals...
Im Lovin It!

Udl, November the 29th; After the hectic time schedules, the students of Std XI Udyogamandal School were going to see some killers... We call them Red-Killers, more commonly known as Kerala State Private Transport Buses. :)
After five minutes of walking, Mr Mac(better known as Mr AJV) had a hilarious incident with a poor little street dog. Before that we will tell you how he got the name Mac. Mac is a derivation from the word Makry(frog) . He hops around a lot... :) So we have Mr Mac.
Back to the story...

The students were walking down the beautiful polluted heavenly streets of the FACT campus when Mr Mac made a unnecessory visit to a friend's house. We did not know why he visited the house, but now we believe that he did it just to have an issue with the street dog. There was a street dog standing near the gates to heaven(*um.. the gates of his friends house*). Few seconds later, the dog was in hot pursuit of Mr Mac. What Mac did to make this happen, noone knows. But the dog ended its run at the foot of Mr Mac. The scenes that followed were both hilarious and explicit. The dog and Mr Mac had a fun time together. After which Mr Mac coolly came back to the student community, a satisfied expression on his face.

(Image the property of Witness Times News Corps 2005)
Later, he admitted to having tortured the poor dog into insanity and that he had loved the experience... "Im lovin it!", he said. So we end this issue of Witness Times saying a RIP to the poor r*ped dog and a shbfjhdbhsdbgsdhbgjhe! to Mr Mac(*no thats not a virus.We typed it that way.*) and we give all credit for the shortness of this article to the wretched person who invented Biology(*our editor has a Biology exam tomorrow :D *)
Au Revoir for now...

The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2005
[This news is not fake. It is a bit exaggerated.]

Revelations that shocked Udl Part I

2005-11-16T23:01:00.000+05:30

Revelations that shocked Udl Part I

Nov 16th, Udyogamandal School; The lid has blown…The cover has broken up… Welcome to Revelations that Shocked Udl Part I. Episode Name : Ms F@Incognito.

What is it that seriously bothers the students of STD XI today? What is the reason for this great, wonderful, chemistry-less day turning into a gloomy and despairing day? Who is the evil schemer responsible for this ultimate change of moods? Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome again to WT, Ms F or as we call her now, The Queen of Two Timing and Infallible Cheapness(TQTTIC).

Ms F(see older WT issues) was proclaimed to be the “Mary” of Mr J. She considered herself a rival to Ms R. A girlfriend to Mr B. But all these added up to one word which summarized her entire character : “Two Timer”. Eye Witnesses say that in her old school, Ms F had passes love letters to all boys. But the letters were SO cheap and explicit (and Ms F was so ugly and ungainly) that all the victims fringed away in fear.

In Udl, she made her presence felt my trying to attach herself onto many a poor soul. But all of them succeeded in evading this damsel using great cunning and strategy(aided by WT). So, we, that is to say The Witness Times, held an exclusive interview with her. In that interview, she revealed this :
“I have only one true love. He (1) Is Brilliant ; (2) Is Active in extra curricular activities (3) Has a bad history”

This revelation shocked the world… But it shocked us even more! Because… Ms F had a very close relationship with Ms S(Ms S is the so called infatuation of Mr V) . And Ms S matched all the above mentioned categories. But Ms F clearly stated that it was a “he”. Thus we conclude that Ms S is actually Mr S!!!
Yes dear reader! The Truth is now revealed. Mr S is under a artful disguise of Ms S. Of course, that can easily be done with two coconut shells and liberal amounts of makeup.

Thus this revelation shocked all minds and souls from the coast of the Indian Ocean to the banks of Ganges. This revelation struck high above in the mountains of the Himalayas and down below the depths of the Pacific Ocean! This revelation made unstoppable time and tide stop for a few seconds…

And thus here we end the first part of Revelations that Shocked Udl. Stay tuned to WT for more on Revelations that Shocked Udl!

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

The Witness Times News Corps 2005
This news is not false. This news might be exaggerated.

He art dead, and again, he dies...

2005-11-09T22:11:00.000+05:30

He art dead, and again, he dies...
November 9th, India; They KILLED HIM! Who? The media! Thats who!
K R Narayan was the ex- president of The Republic of India, the largest democratic sovereign republic in the whole world. He was in a critical stage at a hospital. And today, at excatly 2:25 PM(IST), the media killed him...Sent him to never never land....
The news flashed all over the world. NDTV 24/7, CNN, BBC, Headlines Today, Indiavision, Asianet and what not?
And meanwhile, Mr K R Narayan was perfectly fine and breathing, lying cosily in his bed in the superspeciality hospital.

This error, this unforgivable mistake, this ultimate demorphication, was not accepted very cheerfully in The Udyogamandal School. Here, the children(*um. Students and Staff*) were rejoicing at the thought of a holiday. And all shared the combined misfeelings and uncontrollable anger towards a poor soul of a teacher who dared to spread the news of the error in the school!

The teachers had a hustled conversation outside the STD XI classroom. Characters involved : Mrs SK and Mrs LR, both English teachers. The dio exchanged some mysterious news and burst out laughing! Depriving the students of the news was a very good way to disturb the ambience of the room and thereby taunting the teacher into revealing what was said behind the hidden ears...
But the same teachers were actually rejoicing! Shouting in joy like Brutus on the death of Caesar! They brought up their arms and hooped in joy as they shared the news of the "death" of the former President and the thoughts of what they were going to do during the holiday they got!

But the Witness Times unravels yet another mystery! What actually happened was some sleepy drunk reporter posted at the hospital to check when the old man breathes his last groaned into his mobile phone that he wasnt dead. But because of his alcoholic choler, he pronounced the "isn't" as "is". This news update in some local channel sent waves of hot news through the media world and finally reached news leaders BBC and CNN, who readily displayed it.

Witness Times Impact : On formulating this theory, all channels registered their sincere apologies for making this unmistakable mistake.

And thus Witness Times does it again.
But Mr K R Narayan DID die later on today(maybe on hearing the news about his death!). We express our condolences and regards to the nations on this occassion by saying a passionate "Jay Hind" and a solemn "RIP".

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times
This news is NOT fake nor exaggerated.
Compiled and edited by The Witness Times News Corps HQ
2005 The Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. enterprise.

The Witness Times Wallpaper launched + Complimented

2005-11-03T12:55:00.000+05:30

The Witness Times Wallpaper launched

October 31st, Witness Times HQ; Today, the Witness Times official wallpaper has
been released. Get it NOW!
Click on the image below. Right click on the fullsize image and click Set As Background. You are all done.
Photo by : Agent M
Model : Balu Mohan

Witness Times Does it again! We have been Complimented!

We were visited during this weekend by The Complimenting Commenter, who have us his sincere comments. He said in his blog :

Thank you Complimenting Commenter!

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

Halloween Horrors or Kerala Day?

2005-11-01T11:04:00.000+05:30

Halloween Horrors or Kerala Day?

October 31st,The School; Today the school witnessed many horrors floating around in the guise of traditional Keralite people. Today, as the world celebrates Halloween, The School celebrated Kerala Day which ,marks the date when the state called Kerala (in India) was born. This was supposed to be a fanciful, carefree, peaceful, happy celebration. But the School decided to celebrate Hallo-rala day(a mixture of Kerala day and Halloween). We substantiate this by providing a few snaps from the events of today. You decide, O reader, whether The School celebrated Kerala Day or Halloween...

Images Courtesy : Agent M
Images by : Agent M
Tools : 1 Canon Powershot A95 5.1 Megapixels , 4 Superba NiMH baterries, 2 32mb Canon storage disks

The Day started with this song by a few girls of Grade IX. You are lucky, O reader, that we cannot treat you to this melodious display of donkey braying.

Now we proceed to the XIth Grade classroom where the English teacher , Mrs SK, watches with anticipation the desperate squeals of appeal from a fellow student, Mr V. We would like to mention here that Mr V agreed to sing(*rather bray*) on condition that the song be dedicated to his true love Ms S(STD IX) who was unfortunately(*oops.'fortunately' I mean*) absent from the proceedings.

As time proceeds, the students proceed to the Biology lab. Meanwhile they met this lonely miserable soul of a teacher at the corridor. And what is she sneering at? Check out the next snap...

Well, THIS is what she is sneering at! The girls of Biology batch STD XI decided to put on a early trial of Halloween by trying to scare the boys in their traditional saris. But the since the boys knew that this was their first attempt at wearing a sari, and because of this there was a high possibility of the sari getting unwound, they watched on, eager to catch a glimpse at such unfortunate(*OK!Fortunate for boys*) slips. :D

Please welcome Mr Skele. A guy who shared our biology classes. His resistance to boredom was low, thus he turned into the calciated form you see above.

And this is the alleged Ms R. The infatuated Physics Teacher who is also the teacher in charge for STD VI. At this point of time, she was trying to blind the students by throwing reflections from the gold strings on her sari. We were able to capture this moment of extreme student torture.

Back outside... The girls go into their grand finale of Halloween scaring...Hmmm....Quite attractive, if not scary! :D

Yo! The Boys are no worse! The boys get together to try and give the girls the fright of their lives(*or the 'sight' of their lives*) in their traditional "mundu".

Back inside.. Here we see the PAMPA associates discussing their next move. This snap was captured using great tact and delicacy.

Heres a poor soul, who, fed up with the usual buzz, got down to drawing the insanity out of his mind. Poor guy! It is quite frightening to see a guy working during a holiday!

Time flies........... But what is this nerd looking at? :? hmmmmmm.....

Aah! This is what the nerd is staring at! The Witness Times ad on the class blackboard! :D

School is over and you can see the usual rush of colours... All dressed in their best attires, dressed to scare in tradition. "By the way, who is that pretty girl in the off white dress?" asks Agent M, our photographer + reporter.

This guy charged at Agent M at the previous question. We guess that the girl was his girlfriend. This troll is the much awaited Mr G of STD X who gave the Witness Times secret information from STD X.

We now join the XIth Grade boys who went to this beautiful pond near the adjoining temple next to the school.

Ladies and Gentlemen... Give it up foooooooor Agent M! Our chief reporter, spy, programmer, designer, editor and photographer.

Mr Frog. The most decent guy we saw during all of today. He was getting ready for a high jump and a swim in the biotic environment of the lake when we found him.

Finally its time to leave behind this wonderful day. Mr Balu Mohan fingers the cool pond water with his hand. We captured this moment with a sepia tint. This picture is the background for the Official Witness Times Wallpaper.

Ladies and Gentlemen, that concludes the Hallo-rala day. You decide whether it was Halloween or Kerala Day.
Toodle O for now....

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

This news is NOT fake nor exaggerated.
Compiled and edited by The Witness Times News Corps HQ
2005 The Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. enterprise.

Humour Award Nominee [ I ] - The incorrigible poem

2005-10-18T23:27:00.000+05:30

Humour Award Nominee [ I ] - The incorrigible poem

17th of October, Udl School; The Witness Times has decided to host the Humour Award 2005 competetion. This award will be given to the most humorous event/issue that happens in/around Udyogamandal School/ World/ Universe/ Cyberspace. Here we bring you the very first Nominee out of the ten yet to come. We bring you, the Incorrigible Poem.

A poem titled "My Family" was written by a VIth Standard(Grade) student. The poem was written in such magnificient language that Shakespeare or Wordsworth would have sat and cried sat and cried at how the English language could be thus crucified. This poem was submitted for consideration for the School Magazine (the nerve on the kid!) and our very own Agent M, who happens to be a member of the editorial board, leaked out this veritable piece of humour (*we refrain from saying s**t *) to The Witness Times.

The poem in the original handwriting is given below :

For those who could not decipher the innocent words hidden behind the boisterous langauge, they are :

I love my family
It is very calmly
It shouts very brittly
It is very happily.

My mother cooks tastily
My father works hardily
My sister sings sweatily, and
I studies Lesurely

By

******** ******

Std - VI A

What she means by this poem is yet unknown. But as we can see, this poem was written with extravagant care as she took the pains to draw lines on an unruled A4 bond paper. It makes us, at the Witness Times, wonder whether this is a conspiracy by Ms R, the physics teacher mentioned in earlier issues, who happens to be the Teacher in charge for Std VI.

"Its a joke right? You'r kidding me arent you?" Is what was said by Mrs SK, the Editorial Board in-charge teacher on being shown the poem. This poem, meant to hit the heart of uneducated billions(*Cells.Not people..People's cells.*), has been selected as the first nomination for The Humour Award 2005. Other nominations may be submitted via email ( coolmohan@gmail.com ) or by using the Macroscope. The final date for entry will be November the 15th. Results will be announced on December the 21st after public polling.

Enjoy the poem! Sayonara for now!

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

This news is NOT fake nor exaggerated.
Compiled and edited by The Witness Times News Corps HQ
2005 The Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. enterprise.

Kaise laga? Acha laga! How was it? FANTASTIC!

2005-10-15T22:29:00.000+05:30

Kaise laga? Acha laga! How was it? FANTASTIC!

October 15th, The Vidyodaya School; Ladies and Gentlemen, this post is not what one would call a classic Witness Times post... But then, some things are inevitable, so we have to bore you through this short article of how the students of Udl school took part in a interschool cultural programme called the Vox Populi 2005 held at Vidyodaya school.

The great brown shark gave his supreme permission for the poor mere mortal students to go for this gala event. And we wish to tell you, it was truly Fantastic! The fun, excitement, dance exemplis gratia. We are sorry but we couldn't procure any photos.

And what was the result you ask? Well well well. The Udyogamandal School got 1st price for the Cheering Team competetion with a strong willed 25 member team led by an equally *able,energetic and handsome* leader. [by now you can guess who the leader was :D ]

It was truly a day to memorise. Truly... Truly... Truly : Kaise laga? Acha laga! How was it? Fantastic!!!!

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

This news is NOT fake nor exaggerated.
Compiled and edited by The Witness Times News Corps HQ
2005 The Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. enterprise.

Unemployed computer technician? Fancy working for Al Qaeda?

2005-10-09T13:11:00.000+05:30

Unemployed computer technician? Fancy working for Al Qaeda?

9th October, Cyberspace : ARE YOU an unemployed person who has experience in editing videos and audios? ARE YOU an expert videographist? DO YOU want to earn $1 million per year for your services and absolute secrecy? Well then, welcome to Al Qaeda!

Thats right ladies and gentlemen! In a startling move yesterday, Al Qaeda advertized for job positions. The positions included Video analyst, Audio/Video Editor etc. Job seekers were welcome to post their resumes to in a dramatic stlyle : "Put your resume in the No.* dustbin of the *********** National Park, *********."[the accurate information has been censored to cover our necks :) ]

"Al Qaeda is going for too much luck here. Over Confident as they are, its against the principles of Terrorism", said our resident Psychatrist, Mr. Madhu. The Al Qaeda advertized in an internet website which is still unknown to the PRESS and General Public.

This daring action by the Al Qaeda has shook all shores from US to India(Quite literally! There was an earthquake measuring 7.2 Richter in India-Pakistan area yesterday!) . Theorists and Vast Conspiratorists are trying to uncover what the Al Qaeda is going to do next.

Thats all for now.
Oh! P.S : Did you read the previous post "Google Mystic Drink" ? If yes, happy October Fool! That was fake news by Google! :D Hope you didn't believe that one folks! Google's catching up to WT standards! Way to Go!

Toodle-oo for now.

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

[source : The New Indian Express, Internet]

This news is NOT fake nor exaggerated.
Compiled and edited by The Witness Times News Corps HQ
2005 The Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. enterprise.

The mystic Google hypnotizer

2005-10-04T18:51:00.000+05:30

The mystic Google hypnotizer

October 3rd, Palo Alto; Google inc. is back in the headlines with its so called secret mystic drink. No you havn't read wrong. We havn't made a mistake. We said "A drink". Yep. The software major which provided us with the world's best search engine, who started the GB> mail revolution and above all, who hosts this blog, hits back at flaming inflation with a product that has nothing to do with computers!

Google Inc. enters the cola wars with their brand new drink - The Google Gulp(beta). This is what Google has to say :

Think fruity. Think refreshing. Think a DNA scanner embedded in the
lip of your bottle reading all 3 gigabytes of your base pair genetic data in a
fraction of a second, fine-tuning your individual hormonal cocktail in real time
using our patented Auto-Drink™ technology, and slamming a truckload of
electrolytic neurotransmitter smart-drug stimulants past the blood-brain barrier
to achieve maximum optimization of your soon-to-be-grateful cerebral cortex.
Plus, it's low in carbs! And with flavors ranging from Beta Carroty to Glutamate
Grape, you'll never run out of ways to quench your thirst for knowledge.

This brand new drink has been in the development line for months now, but Google maintained its stand in making the release so unexpected. This drink is said to be unique for every two people (except for twins who have the same genetical makeup). The orginal website for this drink can be found under http://www.google.com/googlegulp/index.html

Google says that this drink increases your thinking power. How does it work?

Well, to comprehend the long version of this answer, you'd need a PhD
(from Stanford, natch). The short version is, our brains process data by sending
electrical impulses called neurotransmitters between billions of neurons via
axons running between synapses, much the way buses travel between stations, or
MP3 files travel between felonious suburban teenagers. The molecular compound
that fuels Google Gulp speeds up this process by, among various startling feats
of neurochemical legerdemain, limiting the activity of the enzyme monoamine
oxidase. You think faster – and feel better.

Why has this software major turned to 'drinks' you ask? Inflation? Money problems? Adsense users dropping out? Well no one knows. But theorists confirm that Google is adding "mystic elements" to the drink which makes the drink taste as much as Gmail blocks spam. Many other theorists say that this drink is the ultimate secret weapon of the USA against Iran in the latest Nuclear struggle. But the fact remains the same - only Larry Page and Sergey Brin know the original conspiracy.

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

This news is NOT fake nor exaggerated.Compiled and edited by The Witness Times News Corps HQ
2005 The Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. enterprise.

The Carpet Conspiracy

2005-10-04T00:30:00.000+05:30

The Carpet Conspiracy

October 3rd, Udl School; PART II of the Great Conspiracy by the school management. And what is this beastly masterplan? Tripping innocent students brutally inside the Assembly Hall. Today morning, our reporters witnessed atleast a dozen innocent adoloscents tripping on a carpet, expertly laid across the Assembly Hall so as to trip such innocent students.

Last time it was brutal sadistic humiliation (*for the students or the staff? See previous WT issues*) by a demonstration on how to pluck grass. But this is going too far. The day was dedicated to Mahatma Gandhi, whose Birthday falls on October the 2nd, which happened to be a Sunday. And on this significant day, the school management did this brutal act, that Gandhi would have stood up and said,"This was brute!"

The so called trip machine (carpet) was laid at an angle of 52 degrees North. The perfect camouflage is its colour, which is almost the same as that of the floor's. Thus, the innocent, carefree, worry-not students tripped spectacularly on this blueprint of revolution(*Oh! Blackshirts of revolution!*). And why does the management hand over these intense corporal punishments?

In a stunning sting operation last week, the Witness Times crew unearthed the real fact to why the management was so cruel. As in any other case, the problem was money. It so happens that the school is running at a loss of 1 million rupees($23,255 ; 13,333 pounds)! And the management is venting its anger of failure on the poor innocent students of the great Udyogamandal School.( This information is meant for private use only since it is confidential in nature)

And so the era continues... Seminars in grass-plucking techniques, carpet enabled trip machines...
What will be the next?

The students of Udyogamandal School live in the fear of the Next Conspiracy by the versatile management. Stay tuned to The Witness Times for updates on The Great Conspiracy.

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

This news is NOT fake nor exaggerated.
Compiled and edited by The Witness Times News Corps HQ
.2005 The Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. enterprise.

Love Gurukul Top 3;Ranbhoomi

2005-09-29T00:31:00.000+05:30

Love Gurukul
Top 3 Ranbhoomi!
[editor's note : Since Agent M was over excited on reporting the news himself, we allowed him to do so. This news has been completely typed in by Agent M. So this is not reported at a 3rd person angle but from a 2nd person angle.So all references to "me" or "I" refers to Agent M]

September 28th, STD XI; Ever heard of the Fake Gurukul? Its a TV Programme that has been leading the box offices from July,2005. Well, its time to shift. An enthalpy change from Music to Love. Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome Ms R, Ms F aaaaaaand Mr N to Love Gurukul. I'm your host for the day, Agent M.

Today, a chain of events, like in a food web, occurred that changed many a life. The event that started the chain? Well dear audience let me narrate :
It starts with Ms F(The notorius new admission - see previous posts) trying to close a damaged water tap in the main corridor of Udyogamandal School. But her efforts in vain, she found herself on the verge of tears. That is; until Mr N found her. He, a eco chauvinist, immediately put an end to the misery by appling a simple method called "turn the tap and press it down with all your strength".
Ms F tried to thank him but all he replied was "Shutup!"

This short incident left Ms F in a daze. A few seconds later, after Mr N left, she said to the girl next to her,"He is so attractive and handsome. Imagine being talked to by such a genius. Oh, he is ....."(we had to censor the rest for privacy reasons)
In short, Ms F said that Mr N was attractive, handsome, hot, smart, generous, friendly and eco conscious. Deduction : She has a crush on him.

Now this was a problem. Mr N already has his girl in Ms R. What was he to do with this other innocent (*NO!Did I say Innocent?I didnt mean it.Honest!Not INNOCENT!*) 16 year old virgin? Well, as the Oracle said to Neo in Matrix, Mr N has to make 'The Choice'.

Well here is where the real cosy part starts. Unfortunately(fortunately to us) Ms R happened to hear about this issue. We list a few quotes here to portray how her emotions changed on hearing the news :
"Like steam coming out from a Steam Engine going at 150mph..."
"Like a tiger, that was starved for a month, attacked a deer..."
"Like the sky fell on Asterix's and Obelix's heads..."
"Like Thor's wrath..."
"Like Katrina hit USA..."
"Like Rita devastated Texas..."
etc etc

She like an angry cat, spread her furs(hair in this case. And no pun intended please) and... and... cried.

This news was confined to a few close three. But nothing and nothing can stand in the way of Witness Times and News. Thus I, that is to say Agent M, happened to procure this news from a ingenuous soul who betrayed the trust of her sinful mistress. Immediately, I was on the case...

Time flew... 1 hour and 23 minutes later...

1540 hours. The school had closed for the day. This is when the students of Udyogamandal School saw the devilish Ms R storming out through the main entrance like a medusa overdosed with champagne. This was when the students of STD XI saw the fury of the negative sex(*female of course!*). This was when I understood that this issue was a larger coup than I expected.

So as the story continues, Ms R showered her anger on anyone who dared to question her. But the humor-hungry students succeeded in making her reveal many secrets which where hidden inside the curls of her brunette hair(*i.e. her brain*). I(Agent M) haply enough, procured an exclusive interview :

Agent M : What do you have to say about this new development by Ms F?
Ms R : Are you insane? No comments.
Agent M : What do you have to say about Ms F and your um.. best friend?
Ms R : No comments.
Agent M : Will this new development affect your longstanding relationship,uh I mean,friendship, with Mr N?
Ms R : Look let me get this straight. There is a strong bond of friendship (*Oh!Is that what its called now?*) between me and Mr N(*grammatical error;it should be 'Mr N and me' *). Nothing will hurt that. Not even a few stupid comments from a 3rd rate pr******te. Why do you make a big issue out of it?
Agent M : What do you have to say about Ms F?
Ms R : She is just a 3rd rate harl*t who wants to spread rumours and spoil the lovely ambience in our class(*Oh.Was the ambience lovely?hmmm....*). I have heard that she has said "I love you" to every boy in her previous school. Mr N was unfortunately the first of her victims here(*We and Witness Times reframe that last comment. We can hereby refer to Mr N as a "sitting duck" *). He was the first. Tomorrow it might be you. So beware.

Thus the exclusive interview ended (actually it did not but the answer to my next question envoked explicit answers which we cannot publish here). Later on Ms R expressed her jealousy and uncontrolled anger on Mr AB(see previous issues of WT) and me.

But with provocating comments and questions a few truths unfolded before our eyes -

Ms R would very well like to kick Ms F
Ms R is not as innocent as we suspected (proved by the excellent use of modern swear words)
Friendship is the new definition for "having a crush on someone"

The day ends with such accidental "slips" from Ms R's tounge.

On Sunday, Mr N is to give a lunch to all of STD XI. It is supposed to be a treat for his attaining a title. But now we are doubtful of the root cause of this lunch. A few students have commented on this issue :

Mr AB : This is a lunch to celebrate his making of the Choice.
Mr S : The elaborate lunch is a part of Mr N making the choice. The final choice. Who will be with him for the Love Jodi. :D

And so the choice? Its simple. Who should be his partner for the Love Jodi. Thats what students say.

Now the winner of this great competetion, the Love Gurukul, will feature with Mr N in the Love Jodi(Love Pair). Now about the title of this post. "Love Gurukul" because it is a question of love. "Top 3" because it involves the triangle - Mr N, Ms F and Ms R. And "Ranbhoomi" means battlefield. A truly divine title for such a divine war. The war of love and friendship. The ultimate choice... All blend into a perfect Love Gurukul to be the Love Jodi.

And who is that great choice? Who is the answer to the question? Who is going to accompany Mr N into the Love Jodi? Wait and see.... Stay tuned to Witness Times. This mega answer will be posted on Sunday night or on Monday.

This is Agent M, for Witness Times, Kochi, signing off....

Ladies and Gentlemen, that was Agent M for the Witness Times. Please stay tuned to Witness Times for more on the issue. Meanwhile type in your comments in the Witness Times Macroscope to the sidebar on your right.

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

This News is Not Fake. This news is not Exaggerated.

Compiled and edited by Agent M for the Witness Times
2005 The Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. enterprise.

Mimosa pudica? No problemo Amigo, Ze Principal to the rescue!

2005-09-26T23:46:00.000+05:30

Mimosa pudica? No problemo Amigo, Ze Principal to the rescue!

September 26th, Udyogamandal School; Ladies and Gentlemen, if you had dropped by to The MES Udyogamandal School at around 11:55 AM today, you would have witnessed a un-uniformed person ploughing the so called herberium. Its a bird, its a plane. No its, THE PRINCIPAL!
Yesseree Bob, he was out there directing and helping the XIth STD students to do SUPW [ SUPW is the acronym for Socially Usefull Productive Work. It is a mandatory subject for the ICSE/ISC syllabus. The students of Udl though have made another fullform for it which runs like Socially Useless Polluting Work ].

It all started with half the students not working and the other half of the students taking a prolonged breather (the work included plucking grass, plucking big grass, plucking small grass, plucking mummy grass, plucking daddy grass and plucking kid grass).
Our 6'4" Principal, Mr G, happened to be walking by this area of faineance and immediately took the things into his own hands.

This ex- Social Studies teacher approached the timid students like the Lion approaches foxes. "Aaang. What you doing?" He asked in his English, thoroughly accented by the local language.
"Aang, A***[Mr A], come here and pluck this grass. Ar**[Mr AB] come and help Mr A." He said. He had proudly started alloting work! Dread-time for the students...
We let Agent M narrate -

Yep, he got there and he started alloting work to all of us. But the most amusing fact included his demonstrating how to pluck grass and how to efficiently check for snakes among the larger of the grass(daddy grass?).
H skipped all his executive duties for the hour and bossed the students around like a sheperd to his sheep (well,thats excatly what he should have done 2 years ago!).
Finally when the period ended, we were tactfully rescued by Mrs S, the SUPW teacher in charge.
But none of the students are likely to forget this incident. He had approached us with a wide grin on his face. But the wide grin suddenly changed into fierce growls and orders.
This is Agent M, signing off from Kochi for Witness Times.

Meanwhile the students are of the belief that this is probably the part of a conspiracy to make the students keep their 'toes in line'. The first part was seen during the onset of school back in June (see the e-Witness Times archives dated June 2005). The first part was thoroughly enacted by the big white(OK OK OK! OK! The big brown.OK?) shark, the vice principal, and this daring second part by the cyclopic humanoid.

"Conspiracy piece of s***!",Said a Xth STD student who was requested to comment,"The XIthers did not do their job well and so was chatised! There is no conspiracy nor unfairness here!"(We would like to mention here that the student was a slightly demented girl and her arguments are not to be considered as serious).

Meanwhile the students of STD XI live in the fear of the next part of The Great Conspiracy (as the Witness Times will refer to it in future). Stay tuned to Witness Times for more on this issue.

And for those IQ-low idiots who havn't yet firgured out what Mimosa pudica is : Its a tropical plant commonly called "Sleeping Grass" or "Touch Me Not". It has thorns all over its body and is regular weed, though of slightly medical characters.

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

This news is NOT fake nor exaggerated.

Compiled and edited by The Witness Times News Corps HQ.
2005 The Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. enterprise.

Ebay gone bonkers this September!

2005-09-25T17:07:00.000+05:30

Ebay gone bonkers this September!

September,Palo Alto; This September, the online shopping major, eBay, went bonkers after a sale of a Nuclear Missile Base. Though the Witness Times was a little late to catch up on this issue, better late than never.

The Nuclear Missile Base(withought missile), situated near Canada in Champlain, USA, was put for auction in eBay on August the 4th 2005. The auction started at $1000 and ended at $1,80,000 a month later on September the 4th 2005.

This is a screenshot of the Nuclear Missile Base finally sold at $1,80,000/-

The original auction link, one of the most highlighting of all eBay items, can be found under http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4397881302

[artcile idea by adelheida]

The seller lists the possible uses as :

Home site, either in underground structure or above ground additions.
Ultra secure climate-controlled storage, personal or industrial. Industrial
liquid storage, over 2.5 million gallon capacity.In addition, the 600 tons of
steel could be sold for scrap metal, etc...

After this sale, eBay is reported to have bonkers! Yesterday, eye-witnesses claim that they saw the Hurricane Rita for sale from an anonymous seller. This item was later deleted and now no links exist to the item. But a shrewd eye-witness had enough sense to copy down what it claimed :

Just received....Hurricane Rita. Available for a limited time only,
auction over after this weekend. One owner, experienced carribbean
traveller.Previous buyer (Florida) declined delivery and sent it to
Houston/Beaumont. Had some interest from buyers in New Orleans but then they
said they already had one (and didn't want/need another). I can arraign free
shipping to the Dallas/Shreveport area. Areas farther north are possible but
she
may arrive in damaged condition.

These amusing items have startled thousands of eBay users. Now, users browse with an overhanging peril of when eBay starts selling USA or the Taj Mahal. These amusing as well as revolting developments in this shopping major has rosen many eyebrows. Stay tuned to Witness Times for more news on eBay.

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

[This news is not exaggerated. This news is not fake.]

Edited and published from The Witness Times News Corps HQ.

2005 The Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. enterprise

An announcement and a funny picture

2005-09-24T22:17:00.000+05:30

An Announcement

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Hear Ye ,Hear Ye,

Today, we made a few major updates to the e-Witness Times. The major changes include -

A daily animal box
The local Indian time clock
Blogrolling (apply in the macroscope for consideration)
Blog Subscription Service (please do subscribe)
We decided that the old font was a little too big. So in the future posts, this will be the font size.

We hope that you enjoy your experience at Witness Times better using these drastic variations.

To celebrate this special update, we release our Image Conspiracy Department. The Witness Times Image Conspiracy Department will bring to your attention humorous pictorial incidents, humorous net pictures etc. This Department will also conduct image competetions for our readers(both internet and hard copy versions).

To kick off this special department, we give you the maiden pursuit of The Witness Times Image Conspiracy Department. Check out the image below.

This is the website for the Malasian Central Prison.

Guess What "Klik Untuk Masuk" means...

It means "Click to Enter"!

Now this IS a really great system by the Malasian Government. That is to say even the most developed veto nation USA hasnt got a system where you can "enter" the prison with just a click on a button!

[original idea by Adriantai. see bloggroll list below]

Hope you enjoyed that folks! More articles by the Image Conspiracy Department coming soon! Meanwhile us our Macroscope to type in quick comments. If you have a blog, don't forget to post it in the Macroscope for Blogrolling consideration. Till later, au revoir.

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times
[This news is NOT fake. It is NOT exaggerated in any way]

This announcement published from The Witness Times News Corps HQ.
A 123friends inc. Enterprise

Ze Confessions of ze Modël [1]

2005-09-24T00:23:00.000+05:30

Ze Confessions of ze ModÃ«l [1]
September 23rd, Udyogamandal: Today, whispers spread along the straight lines of students in the STD XI classroom. Mr S tactfully tipped off Agent M about a possibly virgin issue and he was on it in a jiffy. The cause of the whispers you ask? Read on....

Main Characters

Mr V New Student to Udl.
Ms S A girl student of STD IX who captivates Mr V
Mr AB The legendary Mr AB of the ABC corp. See older issues. Acts as the challenger
Mr R The Model. The handsome hunk who is one of the root causes for the issue
Mr A Ex Student of Udl. Ex boyfriend of Ms S. The second root cause for the issue
Ms D Mr AB's Girlfriend. Anoymous mention.
Mr S A student of Udl STD XI. Acts as "tip-off"er for this issue

The Storyline

It all started months ago when we started teasing Mr V(A new student. NOT the Mr V of the ICSE episodes) with Ms S and Mr V started getting seriously annoyed at Mr AB,who in turn started getting rebellious, which started getting Ms D seriously put out.

We would like to mention here that Ms S is a potential Bio Hazard from STD IX, who has claimed previous victimes with the pleasure of a great white shark enjoying a piece of delicious human flesh. "The Devil!," is all Mr A can comment(Mr A, one of Udl's ex-students, was a victim of Ms S). It is to this amount radioactive radiation that Mr V was exposed to, and thus it explains thepermanentt brain damage he has suffered.

All through the term Mr V and Ms S were seen together. So close, so precious, so delicate. So 'so' that Mr V could have easily said "veni,vedi,vici"("I came,I saw,I conquered" - A saying by Julius Caesar old chap). But then poor poor Mr V had no idea that Ms S was playing Estella(Please read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens). Mr V had absolutely no inkling of thought that Ms S was playing the Devil's Advocate. That is to say in a raw usage of English, "luring".

And unfortunately Ms S's 'luring' worked in all possible ways and Mr V was hooked. But then Ms S was still ignorant to the unpleasant facts that she had evoked.

This was all the citizens of India knew until today. Today the rebellious day. Today when the rebellion of a thousand citizens hit the bank of Ganges, and shook her shores, that Ganges would have stood up and said "There was a rebellion!"
So what happened today?

Our Agent M began his famousexclusivee interviews. After a few interviews, he understood that he wasn't learning anything new and the approach should be direct. So he contradicted Mr R today afternoon during lunch.

At this unexpected contradiction, at this point of limiting friction, Mr R decided to confess his worries and vexations. He decided to make his thoughts and innermost feelings opensource. And the poor naive innocent babe undisclosed the facts to our reporter's ears.
Mr R, the handsome guy who was to be the 'Model' for a cultural festival revealed the facts that had happened the previous day, which led to a few eye-striking incidents today.

It so happened that a bunch of students(comparablebehaviorallyy to rhesus monkeys) of STD XI were standing under the shade of a Gulmohar tree when Ms S passed them. In a painstaking and daring effort to do something impressive before Ms D, Mr AB challenged Mr R and Mr A to reveal Mr V's true love for Ms S to her. Fortunately for them Mr V was absent from the proceedings.

The challenge was daringly accepted and Mr R and Mr A stopped Ms S's cycle in a 'John Abraham'ish way. Ms S was truly intimidated by the sight of her ex-victim and his accomplice. But to her surprise and amusement, Mr R said that Mr V loved Ms S. Love- deep, enchanting, true and loyal.

She was confused. Very confused. The day ended with Heisenberg's uncertainity principle in full swing and Ian Malcolm's Choas Theory in accelerated mode.

This was the confession of Mr R.

Now today dawned and Ms S was seen many times pestering Mr R for some unknown question. Every time, Mr R was expertly evading her and finding shelter in some unknown place or province(for eg:The boys toilet). Finally our Agent M confronted Ms S and asked her a few well placed questions. We list the interview here :

Agent : What do you want?
Ms S :Nothing
Agent:Then why where you pestering Mr R?
Ms S :I want to ask him something
Agent :What do you want to ask him?
Ms S :Personal
Agent :Is it related with yesterday?
Ms S :Oh no!How do you know about yesterday???!!!
Agent :I know what I have to know
Ms S :Oh OK!I just wanted to ask him if what he said was true
Agent :What did he say yesterday?[this was taunting since Agent M already knew that]
Ms S :That someone from your class likes me.
Agent :Likes?Or some other word?
Ms S :um......Loves....
Agent :Aaaaaah.So what if whatever Mr R said is true?
Ms S :[blushes] I just wanted to know
Agent :So what do you have to say about your admirer?
Ms S :[no answer.still blushing]
Agent :Do YOU *love* him too?
Ms S :I will tell you later

At this point she escapes. But later on she was heard demanding to see Mr V.
But Mr V was ignorant to all this. What he knew was that Ms S knew now of his love.
Meanwhile the class celebrated this special bond with a "Save you butt"competionn with the motto "Vanquish or Perish!" The game involved several "The Hindu" newspapers rolled up and used as medieval clubs to attack each others butts. :)

Later on Mr V made enquiries into what Ms S was talking to Agent M about. He also asked Agent M to act Cupid and ask her something for him. Is this what they call the beginning of true love?

But then the story doesnt end here... Mr R has more confessions to make...

To be continued...

Yours truly,
The Witness Times

[This story is exaggerated. This story is not fake.]
Edited and published from The Witness Times News Corps HQ.

2005 The 123friends inc. 2005 The Witness Times News Corps

The Revenge of the F

2005-09-07T20:49:00.000+05:30

The Revenge of the F

7th September, UDL School; Today, a series of events occurred which lead to the final grand finale. It started from the big long financial report by Mr. BV to the students of STD XI, who could do nothing but listen (or rather sleep). This financial report was on the basis that the students asked for financial aid for a costly interschool programme.

Later on during the period, Mr. BV announced that there would be a “seminar” held at 1330 hours, but he did not give any other information about this seminar.

Its time to introduce the major characters of the issue now. Please welcome Ms. F, heroine of the issue, the nun-to-be, the virgin sacrifice (see older WT issues). During this announcement, Ms. F was visibly very tensed and annoyed. Innocent to the un-innocent facts, the innocent students of STD XI celebrated Ms C’s birthday (Ms. C was sad because her business partner, Mr. AB, was absent from the proceedings).

The care-not-free students made their way downstairs at 1330 hours to attend this so called Seminar.
The students found that an old man (we refrain from using the word ‘codger’) was going to give them a speech. This old guy started speaking with utmost care and respect, but he couldn’t ignore the generation gap and finally the students ended up playing Tic Tac Toe. But the wily students DID manage to catch up some phrases and quotes for later usage.

Finally at 1530 hours, the old guy let us go. A few students (Ok. Girls) were discussing the seminar. This ‘few’ turned into a crowd of girls and finally the whole lot erupted with laughter! Our Agent M, although busy handling a few juniors, instantly tailed the issue with excellent results.

It so happened that someone quoted the old guy “Poor Mr. J; he has no Mary.” She was referring to Mr. J of STD XI on the basis of the old guy telling a story about Mr. J and Mary (story characters). Suddenly the heroine, Ms. F jumped up and said , “Im Mary!”

This was when the scene erupted with laughter. This confession, this daring truth, this cyclopic confidentiality, when revealed shook the concave shores of Periyar! This virgin (*ahem*) sacrifice, this tribute (more like curse) to God, this cute lamb (Not, I repeat, NOT CUTE!) finally let slip this little (rather humongous) secret that she had been caressing in her brains.

Meanwhile poor Mr. J was seen erupting with shock, humor and rage! This confession, which revealed that Ms. F had a secret sweetheart, shocked the foundations of UDL school! Even our WT reporters were rooted to the spot on hearing this shocking news.

Now let’s analyze what prompted Ms. F to say such a thing. Is it that she wanted some moral support after all the teasing with Mr. B? Or is it that she couldn’t keep her sweetheart a secret all along? Or is it because she thought that a handsome hunk like Mr. J would be snatched by some other girl if she delayed longer? Well whatever the reason, this was a scoop for WT, and we reported it thus.

The information spread like wildfire and shocked every single person to hear it. Thus this ‘shock’ acts as a chastisement for every single person who teased Ms. F and thus we call it “The Revenge of the F”.

Meanwhile, lets hope that Mr. J gets a better candidate and Ms. F gets worse Guinea Pigs. Adieu and goodbye till next time.
[All comments welcome through our Witness Times Macroscope]

Yours truly,
The Witness Times

This News is NOT Fake. This News is NOT exaggerated.
Compiled and edited by The Witness Times News Corps.

2005 Witness Times News Corps. - A 123friends inc. enterprise.

Agent M Investigates (II) - Behind the closed doors...

2005-09-05T23:51:00.000+05:30

Agent M Investigates (II) - Behind the closed doors...

Udl School, September 5th; On the romantic occassion of Teachers Day, what would you expect from a batch of students who are well known for their notoriously notorious behaviour? Devil's workshop playing its hand again. Another Agent M scoop! What's going on behind the closed doors of Std X? Agent M Investigates Part II. Read On...

The story begins with the prefect duties being handed over to Std XI for the day. The idle XIIthers made up a few lame alibis to shake themselves off this responsibility. Fortunately our Agent M was one among the several to take up the responsibilities as a prefect for the day. We let him narrate :

It was a chilly and damp morning. I could feel my knuckles getting colder and wetter all the time. Insanity is what I call it. Prefect duties that is. Floundering is a better word. Ascertaining your superiority over a bunch of 'jumped up three star spoiled brats' is not excatly what I call fun. Thats when one of these 'jumped up three star spoiled brats' asked me to go and check out the classrooms for cunning deserters.
Now the Teachers Day included a few VERY BORING programmes. Sitting right throgh the day was considered as corporal punishment. And we were very particular that no three star spoiled brat was to miss it. So up I went to the classrooms to look for deserters of the event. To my amazement I saw noone in the first few classrooms. In the Vth Std, I found a few girls. Immediately I took over my role as a stiff and stern guy(while I tried my utmost to restrain my laughs).

Finally I reached the Std X classroom. Closed. And latched from the outside. Safe, I thought. Or atleast, thats what I Thought! As I was moving away from the door, I heard a noise. An owl? Nope. They are nocturnal.
Cat? Nope. Not INSIDE the school.
Hyena? Nope. Not in India.
Dog? Yipes! [we insert a parenthesis here:Agent M detests dogs] Nope!
Waitaminute! A dog? Whatever made me think that?
I analyzed the noise for a second. Sounded like....like...
Moans? Screams? Whines of ecstasy?
Hmmmm......

Greed told me to rush back with my Canon Powershot A95, but then the pressure of the responsibility urged me to handle the situation in a more mature way.

So I daringly approached the door and knocked twice. A scream was heard. More like a squeak. A few seconds later Mr.G(a gigantic troll like creature who accounts for the maximum weight in Std X) opened the door. I got the glimpse of a few girls trying to escape the sight of my detective eyes. But I was forced to accept defeat by the sight of Mr.G , whose grimace explained to me that in my current stance, I would become a lifeless creature shortly. So I backed off.

A few minutes later, a few girls of Std X(who were spotted inside the classroom) were seen rushing downstairs(were their dresses a bit unarranged?).
This episode left me thinking, what was going on Inside The Closed Doors Of Std X?
A roman o**y? A plan against Std XI which involved the girls doing a daring action? A blueprint to sabotage the Teacher's day programs that involved the girls undressing in public? It remains a mystery.
But stay tuned. This is Agent M, for the Witness Times, Kochi, signing off.

This is what happened. This event leads a man with minimum common sense to think and formulize what happened inside the closed door. Why was it such a secret. What demanded such privacy? Why were the girls trying to hide? Why did Mr.G grimace so? Why did they obey Agent M's orders?
Interesting the works of a young one is. Lets hope that such incidents will not prove a pathway for serious issues(*ahem*). Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

P.S: Be afraid... Be very Afraid...

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times.

Please type in your comments into the Witness Times Macroscope you see to your right.

[This news is NOT Entirely True.This news is exaggerated]
Compiled and Edited by The Witness Times HeadQuarters.

2005 Witness Times News Corps. A 123friends inc. Enterprise

The Metamorphi : A XI Grade Magnum Opus

2005-08-28T02:04:00.000+05:30

The Metamorphi : A XI Grade Magnum Opus

August 26th,Udyogogamandal School; 3 Months ago she entered the class as quiet and lonely as a solitary girl can be. Amused and bemused at her new surroundings, she made her presence unfelt by actively not taking part in any of the activities. Her feelings and emotions were clearly demarcated, as if narrow domestic walls of faith and relegion bound her to a suicide loop.
Such was the condition of the pretty (*ahem-exaggaration*) girl, named Ms.F when during the first few weeks of her introduction to the Udyogamandal School enviornment. The only information, allowed to drain from her mouth, was that she was going to retain the Ms. for the rest of her life(*ahem again-we are doubtful...*).
But then, could such a pious and relegious girl turn against Mr.AB? Could she be so aggravated that she decided to use the worst of all swear words against him?The answer - Yes!

Std XI,Udyogamandal School, does it again. In just 3 months (12 weeks/92 days/2208 hours/7948800 seconds) STD XI "reformed" Ms.F into a new lady. This creation, this work of art, has been going on for the past three months. And then now, one fine romantic evening, the students of XIth reap the harvest of their hardwork.

Mr.AB(See older issues for more info), the notorious propagantist of Harishree Vidyanidhi(Trichur), pinged Ms.F. Ms.F annoyed at being pushed around by a mere freak, called Mr.AB a few good,selected,excellent words. A quote : " The words were of perfect symmetry that all those who heard it could only stand and hear."

Ms.F, the forever Ms. to be retained, the nun-to-be, the true offering to God, the virgin(*ahem*) sacrifice, yelled at Mr.AB. And the yelling was thus, that all those who heard it might have swooned on the spot because of such filthy language by Ms.F, if it were not for the Great White.
The sight of the Great White(um.Ok brown!)[and bald] shark quickly stopped the persisting quarrel. The two main characters broke off and resigned to the safe ramparts of the XIth Classroom.

Magnum Opus, they call her now. The effect of continous metamorphosis by XIth has endowed Ms.F qualities that she might never had had. The XIth now celebrate triumph, the victory of liberty over tyrrany, the indulgence of an unimaginable into the unthinkable.

Thus, Ms.F may proceed with her dream career in the coming days, with a little bit of spice and garlic, to make Co-ed truly more interesting!Our best wishes to Ms.F for her career and STD XI for more victims.(And our condolences to Mr.AB)

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times

Comments to this post can be entered using the Witness Times Macroscope. Please enter a few words... :-

[This news is not fake. This news is not exaggerated.]
Compiled by Witness Times News Corps. Edited by Witness Times News Corps HQ.

2005 Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. Enterprise

Mr.R's Dilemma

2005-07-23T01:21:00.000+05:30

Rony's Dilemma

July 22nd,STD XI; As a student of STD XI stood rooted to the spot on seeing a miracle occur before his very own eyes, another student of STD XI ran for his life. The Miracle? A female 250 pound killer Homo sapien sapien climbing up the antique stairs of Udyogamandal School. It was a wonder that the steps did not give way. It was a bigger wonder how she managed to balance her 250 lb body as she precariously clambered up the stairs.

Finally after 10X60 seconds' hard work, she managed to reach the top of the stairs. With a push of adrenaline, she managed to enter STD XI before collapsing into a chair. Instantly she was hugged and welcomed very warmly into STD XI. Please welcome, Ms.S, an old student of ICSE 05 batch, who went to Saudi Arabia for a summer vacation and joined a school near Corpus Christi(now Pallikoodam) Institute. Above all she was the nostalgic sweetheart of Mr.R, the guy who ran for his life!

Mr.R evaded the STD XI classroom for all he was worth. But alas, being the lunch break, he had to come back to the class to take his lunch. So finally after repeated re-assuarances from the ABC Corp(Arun Bala-Chitra Corporation) Mr.R stepped into the classroom and was instantaneously attacked by the 250 lb killer whale...
Mr.R dodged and by sheer chance avoided a full scale riot. He grabbed his lunch and banished himself to the extreme back of the classroom, where he was less likely prone to attacks.
Later Ms.S gave up her efforts and went home. Thats when Mr.R heaved a sigh of relief.

WHY did Mr.R run for his life?
WHY is Mr.R reluctant to meet his old sweetheart?
WHY is Mr.R prone to attacks from Ms.S?
Simple. He's got a new sweetheart! Or rather sweethearts.
Interesting evidence reveal that Mr.R has a new girlfriend named Rose(Name edited)(Outside School). Meanwhile Mr.R is trying to get matey with the ******* teacher, who is not only good looking, but also the kind of a teacher who falls heavily for flattery; especially when it comes from a handsome hunk like Mr.R.

So Mr.R has already got his hands full with two sweethearts and thus must inevitably ignore Ms.S' pangs of attraction. Ms.S meanwhile has a severe lack of boyfriends, since their school is situated near Corpus Christi school, and Corpus Chrisiti is very well known for their very beautiful, attractive, hot and haughty girls. Thus Ms.S must inevitably throw the net for her old boyfriend. What is this world coming to?

But unfortunately due to time constraints, we have to leave the lovesick couple to make a decision on their own. But if you do want to voice your opinion, use our new Witness Times Macroscope. This is Agent M signing off.

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times
[This news is not fake. This news is not exaggerated.]

Compiled by Agent M. Edited by Witness Times News Corps HQ.
2005 Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. Enterprise

Bala's Girlfriend Club - "Vote for Lollipop!"

2005-07-15T23:25:00.000+05:30

Bala's Girlfriend Club - "Vote for Lollipop!"

STD XI,July 15th; Hand for Congress...Knife-Hammer-and a star for Communist...And Lollipops?Welcome to the new age of High-Tech politics.Finally after 58 years after India got freedom,we have something "sweet" in politics to think about.An all new party has come up with an innovative symbol!

A series of events occured today which lead to this dramatic incident which we describe in detail...
At excatly 12.30 PM, our agents witnessed a peculiar phenomenon. Many girls and a couple of boys were sucking lollipops. This was a very unusual sight - 16 year old students sucking lollipops?Unimaginable!Well thats what happened. As a shark which sighted its prey, our Agent M was on the story at once and sting operations made by him revealed interesting information.

The report states that all the girlfriends of Arun Bala, together formed an association (political party) called Bala's Girlfriend Club or the BGC for short. Currently the BGC boasts of 12 members, 10 male and 2 female, from various classes. And as an inaugral proclamation, they all sucked lollipops. Well not all. Ms Lakshmy Menon, the first fan of Bala was absent from the proceedings owing to a Chemistry test.
Thus new members were recruited for Bala's newly formed organization. Afterwards, a new acronym was formed - another fullform for BF. The latest fullform says "Bala-Femi".

As a method of spreading the message of his new association, Bala had a chalk-battle with Ms Chitra (now proved as the childhood romance of Bala in St.Thomas School. Ref : 16th July 2005 Morning edition hard copy Witness Times), a demonstration with Mr.Rony, a duster-assault on Ms KM(With lot of physical 'touchings') and other minor assualts and demonstrations. He also dared to assualt a member of Witness Times News Corps as a show of power.
In an exclusive interview with Ms Femi, she refused to comment on the latest allegation.
In an exclusive interview with Bala, he refused ALL allegations.
In an exclusive interview with Rony, he assualted our reporter.
In an exclusive interview with Ms Chitra, she acted dumbfound and suprised.
In an exclusive interview with an outsider, Mr.Sreekanth, he said that this was a highly unfair move on the part of Bala."This is a very bad plan of Bala's to establish monopoly over our class and Std X's girls ,"said Mr.Sreekanth.

Lets now analyze why Mr Rony was included in the BGC. Mr Rony is the favourite student of Ms Reshma, the Physics teacher. Thus an association with Mr Rony is a direct ticket to an affilitation with the Physics teacher and therefore the easiest way to extra marks. These extra marks are highly useful to Bala as he will be too busy to study owning to BGC club activities.

Meanwhile Ms Lakshmy Menon of Std X is doing her rallying best to flatter Bala into rendering more attention to herself. The fight between Ms Chitra and Bala was a show of jealousy by Ms Chitra (Childhood romance).

Thus saying and wishing all the best to Bala's Girlfriend Club, we conclude here. Next time, during elections, please remember to vote for the Lollipop Candidate for a romatic future...

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times [This news is NOT fake.This news is NOT exaggerated]

Compiled by Agent M. Edited by Witness Times Headquarters.

2005 Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. Enterprise

Agent M Investigates (I) - Optical inzoom of Ms.Lakshmy Menon's infallible character

2005-06-18T20:07:00.000+05:30

Agent M Investigates (I) - Optical inzoom of Ms.Lakshmy Menon's infallible character

Udl School,June 18th: Anybody know the reason for the sudden spurts of anger from The Bench? Today morning The Mr.Babu came in furiously to STD XI Classroom as soon as the bell clanged. He warned the class that any student refusing to comply with the English Speaking Rule would be heavily penalised. He also asked for the Mr.Arun Bala, he was serious. This is the prologue.

Agent M Investigates.....Welcome to Agent M investigates Part I. This is the first part of the sequel which will display for public viewing the truth about STD X. Today we bring you Lakshmmyyyyyyyy Menon....

Yes shes fair.
Yes sir, shes good.
Yes sir, shes smart.
Yes sir, shes got a f******* character.

Yep.Thats the truth about the STD X. We let Agent M narrate.

"A heart chilling episode of terror and serial crime. A betrayer, A traitor, Ms.Lakshmy is. Our immediate Junior is the most void girl I have ever seen.

Mr.Babu was furious on Arun Bala. After a thrilling investigation, I found that there was a reason for his anger. As the privilege of STD XI, we took it easy on the Spoken English Rule. We never knew that prying ears were on us.
After the Plus 2 ragging issue(see older posts), Mr.Babu had lashed on STD XI with more severe and corporal rules.

On the 17th. Terror day. The innocent boys and girls of STD XI were having fun playing throwball when the terror struck, Thor unleashed his power of Thunder - But for the evil!

In our moment of fun and enjoyment, our language was relaxed, a bit of the local to add Masala to the talk. But...

When we started playing, we saw 4 cute girls from STD X sitting next to the ground, having a animated conversation. We were well within their earshots, but we didnt mind. They were our juniors after all, they wouldnt spill out on us. Atleast thats what we thought.

In our haste, we neglected an important fact - One of the girls was Lakshmy Menon. The over-smart, over-obedient, over-infallible girl from STD X. She heard us passing comments in Malayalam. Especially good old Bala.
Zap she went to Mr.Babu. And she spilled the beans. She didnt mention any of our names - a collective responibility. But she did mention one name. The name of Bala, Arun Bala.

Next day came. Thus came Mr.Babu and all that followed. Poor Mr.Bala is in big deep trouble for he has been banned from entering the class unless he brings his parent.
This is Agent M for Witness Times,Kochi."

Thats all from Agent M.
Thus Ms.Menon's character has been highlighted. But lets analyze why she said only Bala's name.
Is this the begenning of what they call true love?
Is it because Ms.Lakshmy is jelous of all the other girls piling around Bala?

Our Probability wing has come out with adequate answers.

Ms Lakshmy and Bala,both come in the same school van, Chavally Patti Travels.
Bala started replying to Ms.Lakshmy's hormone aided attractions to Bala. But Bala just wanted her as a friend. When Bala found his true love in STD XI, Lakshmy got angry. Bala was oblivios of the cobra he had awakened - of the Volcano he had triggered.
Thus propelled by love, hate and hormones, Ms Lakshmy did this hateful deed. It is believed that Ms Lakshmy exaggarated the facts a little, a slight bend here and there for more taste.

"This is only the first or the serial crimes thats about to be done by a hormone propelled 15 year old,"Says Forensic Psychologist Dr.Anil Aggarwal.

Stay tuned to Witness Times for more on this issue.

Agent M Investigates will be back next week with an all new issue. Facts unknown, now uncovered. Watch out for the series...Agent M Investigates.A Witness Times Exclusive.

Meanwhile lets hope Mr.Bala a peaceful recovery and Ms.Menon a prodigious Omen.

Yours Truly,

The Witness Times.[This news is NOT FAKE.This news is a not exaggerated]

Compiled and Edited by The Witness Times HeadQuarters.
2005 Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. Enterprise

School Begins...Catastrophies strike...Mr.Babu says its taboo.

2005-06-11T18:38:00.000+05:30

School Begins...Catastrophies strike...Mr.Babu says its taboo.

Udyogamandal School,June 9th: By the advent of school, the innocent ex-10thers(ICSE 05 Batch) Join the +1 section,with 23 oldlings and 6 newbies. On June the 8th,they met,they saw,they left.
On 9th,they met,they saw,they left.
On 10th....
The 12thers demanded a "parijapeddal"ing meeting. So at 1300 hours,the 11thers reached the +2 section.We have a live report from Agent M.It is as follows -
We were all ushered into the 12th Class,unaware that prying eyes had just witnessed the whole scene.The battered door was padlocked and looked furious to all our innocent eyes. And thus began,the slandering of us poor devils.The captain inaugrated the slaughter by asking the newbies to introduce themselves.After this terrifying ceremony, a newbie,Arun Bala,was asked to speak about "The prettiest girl you have met in your life".Mr.Bala was in a trance.He had a BIG mouth,yes he did,but talking in front of an audience was as killing as showering in blood and swimming in a pool hosting Great White Sharks.Especially when the audience were our seniors.
And thus all Bala's pleas for time and change was ignored by the pompous 12thers,who again failed to percieve that curious,jealous eyes were prying into our privacy.
And thus Mr.Bala challenged the captain of the ship himself,with the same topic.The matter was put aside and laid out in a few seconds,and Bala was beat.
As the precious seconds passed Bala opened his wonderful (stinking) mouth to dig into the topic-BUT...
BUT a great white swam upto the closed +2 door.
He looked around with curious eyes.
Then he did,knock but twice.
He squithered with rage,
As he saw as all in the same Maze.
We opened the door for this great white(actually brown)shark,
Who sank his jaws,into us prying larks.

Mr.Babu it was.He said that we were to GET OUT in 3 seconds.Yes we did too.We were sent to our room in the middle of noon.
But the poor 12thers sat with disdain looks on their faces,while they were adviced by Mr.Babu for 12 short minutes,an eternity...
We got the same after 12 short minutes.
He said that +1 and +2 need not be(he said SHOULD NOT be)so close.He expressed that we were NOT to pass the +2 lines.He yelled that we would be punished for insubordination,if it happened again.

This is what happened.
But in the evening,the clear scheming 12thers said to Agent M that they would find a way to continue the "vicharana".And we wish them best of luck.

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times.

[This news is NOT FAKE.This news is a not exaggerated]
Compiled and Edited by The Witness Times HeadQuarters.
2005 Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. Enterprise

The Scare...A Witness Times Xclusive Documentation.

2005-04-28T23:40:00.000+05:30

The Scare...A Witness Times Xclusive Documentation.

Kochi HQ,April 28th: [Please Note:Before you read this exclusive documentation,please keep in mind that this story is ABSOLUTELY true.You may want to scroll down and read the incident 3 days before involving Mr.V to get a continuity to the story.This Exclusive report is NOT a continuation of the incident involving Mr.V but just related to it.The Names used in this report is NOT changed.The story is reported as is.Fate and coincidence inspired me to write this document -NG]
The Scare.Thats what the students of ICSE March 2005 batch from Udyogamandal School called the incident later on.As reported earlier[see the report just below this report titled "ICSE Results on Thursday the 28th of April???"] Mr.Shyamjith(A Student of UDL ISC March 05 batch) latched on to the fear of the upcoming ISC Results decided to pass on some of the tension to a poor victim.The victim(yet unknown) was told by Mr.Shyam that ICSE results ALWAYS come along with the ISC results.And ISC results were due on 28th April(i.e.Today).The victim passed on the news to another person thereby starting a chain.Finally Mr.Vaisakh(Student.UDL ICSE March 05 Batch.Referred to as Mr.V in the older report.) approached the class MSC,Mr.Renjith(Executive Vice-President 123friends inc.) ,to get more details. He was consoled by Mr.Renjith and Mr.Mohan(alias Neo Garfield.i.e.Me).That's the story until April 25th...
Later during the week Mr.Shyam wanting to get rid of more fear, dumped the same comment,as said to The Victim earlier, to Ms.Divya(ICSE 05 batch) who is also his (ahem) girlfriend.Ms.Divya lost no time at all informing Ms.Karthika(ICSE 05 batch.Referred to as Ms.KK in earlier Witness Times stories.) and other girls of the class.Psychologists later made a complex theory about Mr.Shyam's "fear dropping" method.They (Psychologists) also explained that Ms.Divya DID NOT call ANY boys to tell the story because boys werent as DUMB as girls to belive the story(I would like to mention at this point that Divya is EXTREMELY free with boys AND that she threw a treat for ONLY boys during the picnic).Well the story goes on...
Our chief reporter Agent M(ahem...me) was cooly surfing through a book lounging on a comfortable Bean Bag when the scene began.The book was "The Alchemist" written by Poulo Cohelo(I never get the spelling right!).He(Agent M) was alerted by a phone call by Ms.Extremely Worried Karthika and told him all about the ICSE Results issue(We might as well say at this point that though he,Agent M, filed a extremely satisfactory report at the end of the issue,he is on a charge for NOT reporting the phone call as soon as it was made.It was a great business oppurtunity,gone with the wind...).Agent M tried to console Karthika, thereby learning many new words censored from the Dictionary.But he instantly charged up and alerted Mr.Renjith.Both of them instantly lunged to their PCs to access the net.After a few minutes they both called again to exchange news.Here is what the had to exchange-
*CONVERSATION FULLY IN MALAYALAM LANGUAGE* Trrringg....Trrringg........Trrr-Click.
Mr.Renjith:"Hey.The ICSE results have come.I saw a site which contained a form to fill up to get results"[He cut off his net connection in the shock] "Please log into the net and log on to..."
Agent M:"Hello.Hi.Yeah.I got the site too but-"
Mr.Renjith:"I dont know what to do.I'm so-"
Agent M:"Will you please listen?"
Mr.Renjith"The site is-"
Agent M:[now shouting]"WILL YOU PLEASE LISTEN?"
Mr.Renjith:"Okay.What?"
Agent M:"NO THE RESULTS HAVNT COME.The site is there but did you try the form?It just rebounds.Morover I got into the official ICSE Council site.There was a discussion forum there.A student had got the same doubt as ours and posted a question today-When will the results come.The answer by the council was-By June First Week.So the results arent out yet."
Mr.Renjith:"Are you sure?The site was-"[blah blah blah blah blah]
[Note:The rest of the conversation was censured because it did not have revelant matter,because it had confidential issue,because Witness Times is mostly read by minors.i.e.For the benefit of <18>

And so the issue wrapped up between two Executives.The word had already spread in a matter of seconds that the results had come(exclusively aided by Mr.Renjith).The work done had to be undone and Mr.Renjith set about doing it at once.Later a Forensic Expert pointed out the shrewdness in Mr.Shyam's statement.He said the ICSE and ISC results ALWAYS came out together-not even mentioning OR hinting about the date ICSE results were going to be announced.He did not even say that the results of both would come together this year too.So Mr.Shyam is not guilty.

So we conclude by saying that the human mind is a very wonderful and funny organ which makes up facts to fiction and fictions to fact.
P.S by Agent M:"Please dont contact me on such silly and hair-raising issues."
P.S by Wit.Times:This report is completely true.We have also tried to use the excact phrases used in the telephonic conversation.For the first time in e-Witness Times history we have used the actual names.Any critisism/ feedback/ suggestions/ claims etc are to be mailed to neogarfield@gmail.com WITHOUT using abusive language.

And so the story goes.....
Yours Truly,
The Witness Times.[This news is NOT FAKE.This news is a not exaggerated]
Compiled and Edited by The Witness Times HeadQuarters.

2005 Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. Enterprise

ICSE Results on Thursday the 28th of April???

2005-04-26T20:56:00.000+05:30

ICSE Results on Thursday the 28th of April???

Synapse HQ,April 25th:The Scene - Outside the 123friends inc. International Graphics Development Center,which is also the HQ of Synapse.Starring - Two Executive Vice-Presidents of 123friends inc. and one poor sole(um...I mean "soul") who has brains which challenge none other that Newtons.The Story - The two executive Vice-Presidents of 123friends inc. are commencing on a top secret operation,which is to obtain some highly confidential files(Norton Antivirus 2005 and Limewire v4.25 to name a few :) ),from a top secret Information Hub(actually a internet cafè). The poor soul arrives in a superb bike(um.A BSA SLR) gets down,waves a casual Hello,wears an expression of extreme disinterest and distress and opens the pearly gates(well actually a blue gate showing a considerable amount of rust) to the Synapse HQ.

Then,Mr.V,the poor soul expresses his interest and belief in the fact that the ICSE results were to be released on 28th of April.The poor soul needed some acute and obtuse calming down about the fact that this was an absolute impossibility and that the person who introduced this insane idea was playing a out-dated April fools trick(Dont ask me why they played such a trick on April 25th!).Considerable cheered up by this news,Mr.V departs...End of Scene.

But its not the end of the story.A leading newly emerging Private Investingation firm was given the duty of investigating into this issue.The firm,M cube[the firm is real],has obtained a very good reputation over the years(well dont ask me how 'coz it was only launched last Thursday).The CEO of M Cube,also executive Vice-President of the 123friends incorporated,ordered a 'probe' into the issue.Our chief journalist,Agent M,obtained the investigation summary.According to him the actual reason changes this story to a mundane one and one which does not need publishing.However for satisfying the pangs of our readers,we publish the summary below :-

===Case No.0000000001/A/00/01 Name.ICSEResultsIssue===

Name of Client : The 123friends incorporated

Name of Victim : Mr.V

Status of case : Successful investigation.Case Closed.

Case Summary : The ICSE results will actually be published by May end.Mr.V was lead into the belief of early results by two factors.

(1)Haunting nightmares which have been etched into his consious memory as a result of continuous and repeat perfomances.

(2)The fact that ISC results,not ICSE but ISC,will be published by Thursday,the 28th of April,hypnotized Mr.V along with the factor mentioned above.

===CASE CLOSED===
This is how the case conludes.
Yours Truly,

The Witness Times.[This news is NOT FAKE.This news is a bit exaggerated]

Compiled and Edited by The Witness Times HeadQuarters.

2005 Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. Enterprise

EHXTRA EHXTRA!Read all about it!The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Research Division(tm)

2005-03-29T01:13:00.000+05:30

EHXTRA EHXTRA!Read all about it!The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Research Division(tm)

Witness Times HQ,March 28th:The Witness Times Directors passed a resolution today to launch a new service known as the Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Research Division(tm).This division functions by researching into the deeper facts about conspiracy issues/rumours especially about Microsoft Corp.

This Division has already started working and has produced amazing results as its releasing basket.It deals mainly with (fake)Microsoft conspiracies, which are rumoured to be stored in a 50000 square foot area filled with cabinets deep down in the sub-basement on Microsoft Corp(Redmond).

This Division is also a warning for all those who are hatching conspiracies.Meanwhile stay tuned to Witness Times for updates from The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Research Division(tm).

Yours Truly,
The Witness Times.[This news is NOT FAKE.This news is NOT exaggerated]
Compiled and Edited by The Witness Times HeadQuarters.
2005 Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. Enterprise

Liberty Equality Fraternity DENIED!Tyranny is born!Eyebrows raise over stupid decision!

2005-03-24T15:02:00.000+05:30

Liberty Equality Fraternity DENIED!Tyranny is born!Eyebrows raise over stupid decision!

Udyogamandal School March 23rd:In a very shocking and flambouyant announcement today,the Vice-Principal of Udyogamandal School broke a traddition followed by the founders and passed on to the younger generations year after year.The ICSE 05 batch were to go for a luxorius three day picnic to Ooty via Wayanad.This was done in absolute solitude through the years.Now in the mega-stupid announcement,Mr BV(Name held for security reasons),broke that cocoon of solitude by introducing the amazingly stupid Std XI(To be in Std XII) into the picnic.There was a universal uproar that its "replication shook the concave shores of tiber".Or rather the concave shores of Periyar!

The class representatives were seen storming up the stairs to Mr.BV's office to protest about this highly bizzare issue.Three hours later they were seen coming down the stairs in a highly dissapointed fashion.

This issue has raised the eyebrows of many students and teachers.A few prominant members of the 123friends Worldwide Peace Movement have signed their resignation in protest of this decision.

Meanwhile the dreams of ICSE 05 batch were shattered and the ICSE 06 batch are steadily coming into a teasing chant.
Stay tuned for more news and updates into this issue.
Yours Truly,
The Witness Times.[This news is NOT FAKE.MAY be exaggerated]
Compiled and Edited by The Witness Times HeadQuarters.
2005 Witness Times News Corps - A 123friends inc. Enterprise

Romance sparking up...Its "Saturday Night Fever" all over again!

2005-03-24T14:57:00.000+05:30

Romance sparking up...Its "Saturday Night Fever" all over again!

Kochi&Pathanamthitta March 18th:In a daring commando dare-devil operation today,our chief Agent unearthed startling evidence to a renewed romance started at the age of 8!The scene starts with Ms.K calling up Mr J.Mr J,who left the Udyogamandal School in 2002,is currently studing in Pathanamthitta.A series of occurrences prove that Ms.K(Name not revealed) was in a semi state of romance with Mr.J. Our chief Agent,Agent M,who had been deployed to get more news of this issue for over a year reports.

Ms.K expressed envious and jealous thoughts of Mr.J ,studing in Pathanamthitta, with a cousin(girl) of his own age.This was a few weeks ago.Today while I was casually calling up Mr.J to get a few updates on the issue,inspite of my busy schedule.The evidence revealed was startling!Mr.J is to return to Kochi on March 28th after his 10th standard ICSE Exams.Ms.K already booked an appoinment with him in a hot steamy private restaurant in Kochi,called The Oven.But more interesting facts reveal that this invitation was absolutely personal and she had invited no one else(We would like to remind you that The Oven is a hot steamy private restaurant).Such facts forces us to believe that she wants a *private* conversation with Mr.J in The Oven(did I mention that The Oven was a hot steamy private restaurant in Kochi).

Ms.K always says,"*******(name not revealed) was my best and only friend when I first came here.No one else understood me in the way he did.(We like to emphasise on the word 'understood' because it may be a pun.It depends on the reader's imaginative skills.)" On being asked whether she has a crush over him or not she says,"Ay,Its not that ya.But still studing together with a girl cousin of his own age..."

The "The Oven" plans has not been revealedto anyone by Ms.K.This leads to more suspicious thoughts about *what* she wants to say(or *do*) at The Oven.Mr J said,"She may do whatever she likes but Im not going to the Oven."(Readers please note that Mr.J has no idea of what Ms.K is planning and that Mr.J is a poor lonely soul who likes the company of good friends.Maybe thats why he is being pushed about into such a devilish and bold plan.)

Meanwhile you can ponder on why she didn't invite Mr.J over to an IceCream Parlour.There are many good ones around the city(namely Baskin31Robins,Caravan,Ice King,Fruit Shack etc.).Maybe its because she wanst to start a whole new episode and doesnt want to join what others started(We are referring Mr.Kunhaliktty and his Ice Cream Parlour episode).Ms.K may want to start a "The Oven" episode.

Meanwhile stay tuned to www.witnesstimes.tk for more hot and new thrilling updates on this story. Agent M wants to have a complete report and therefore is planning to trail Mr.J to The Oven with his Canon Powershot A95 Digital Camera to shoot more *sensitive* moments.
Yours Truly,
The Witness Times.[This news is NOT FAKE.This news is NOT EXAGGERATTED.]

Compiled by The Witness Times Intelligence department.
Edited by The Witness Times HeadQuarters.
All Rights Reserved. 2005 Witness Times News Corps.

Welcome To The Witness Times

2005-02-20T00:44:00.000+05:30

Hello Everyone,

Welcome to this new upgraded Witness Times.I must admit-the E-version of this paper isnt as good as the paper version.But of course in this age of technology,we must keep up with our fast moving race.So we present to you the all new E-Witness Times featuring not only The Udyogamandal School campus,but also ironies and sarcasms all over the world.

We assure you a few laughs and of course remember to check out The Witness Times every week. We will try our best to create and present newer better sarcasm and extreme levels of exaggarations.The 123friends inc. is pressing us to bring out something new,but I have to say I dont think its quite feasible.Coz whats better than an old fashioned Extreme exaggaration or a fake story of Microsoft?

If you have any comments/ideas/complaints please feel free to contact me at coolmohan@gmail.com .Your ideas are very precious and valuble to us.Of course Customer satisfaction is our satisfaction.

On a happier note Im pleased to introduce to you all our new recruit.For the first time in four years since the launch of The Witness Times,a journalist has been added.Her ambition is to become a full fledged journalist.We give youuuuuuuuu...Rinju....

That covers all the important topics and times running out...And time is money...
So Thank you for taking the time to read through this lengthy(and boring) article.Im sorry but It cant be helped.They threatned me to kick me out if I didnt write a lenght introduction!
And of course your jokes and opinions are always welcome.

Yours Affectionately,
Neo Garfield,
Editor-The Witness Times,
Vice-President 123friends inc.

The Witness Times

Yon Librarian of little faith...

Christ Ahoy!

Chastised for Honesty!

Witness Times : The Escapade

Yet another milestone for Witness Times!

Eu tu Mr N? India witnessing a revolution in homosexuality...

We are not dead...

His experiments with truth...

All work and no play makes Jack *yawn* a dull boy... PART I

The Kama Sutra...

Yon crimes of untold belief...

Witness Times... The saga continues... Another Victory!

Trains befooled... The Women In The Red Dress releases the BETA version of her hypothesis

The Woman In The Red Dress - Yon Secrets Within...

SHE STRIKES BACK!!! The Woman In The Red Dress strikes back!!!

The woman in the red dress...

RESERVATIONS RIOT : A WT Exclusive

A diminutive contest, a valuble vote

A page from Agent M

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Amusing Day Two[2]

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Amusing Day Two[1]

The X-Curse-Sion Part I : Demented Day One

Udyogamandal r Us! Uniform Change due to pervertism!

Ah! The suprisals of St Valentine : Part II

Ah! The suprisals of St Valentine : Part I

The farewell barrel

Happy Birthday Witness Times!!!

Eyebrows raise... Prince a sadist?

Mr AB goes anti - Udl : Part I

The newbie peacie on the bloc

Speculations Befooled... Part II : The Choice

Speculations Befooled... The Pretty or the Time?

Another year, another scandal earned...

My day on Friday, the 16th of December 2005 : An autobiography by Agent M

WT People of The Year 2005

Letters to the Editor (I)

Some organisms never know where to stop...

Mac-Dogals....Im Lovin It!

Revelations that shocked Udl Part I

He art dead, and again, he dies...

The Witness Times Wallpaper launched + Complimented

Halloween Horrors or Kerala Day?

Humour Award Nominee [ I ] - The incorrigible poem

Kaise laga? Acha laga! How was it? FANTASTIC!

Unemployed computer technician? Fancy working for Al Qaeda?

The mystic Google hypnotizer

The Carpet Conspiracy

Love Gurukul Top 3;Ranbhoomi

Mimosa pudica? No problemo Amigo, Ze Principal to the rescue!

Ebay gone bonkers this September!

An announcement and a funny picture

Ze Confessions of ze Modël [1]

The Revenge of the F

Agent M Investigates (II) - Behind the closed doors...

The Metamorphi : A XI Grade Magnum Opus

Mr.R's Dilemma

Bala's Girlfriend Club - "Vote for Lollipop!"

Agent M Investigates (I) - Optical inzoom of Ms.Lakshmy Menon's infallible character

School Begins...Catastrophies strike...Mr.Babu says its taboo.

The Scare...A Witness Times Xclusive Documentation.

ICSE Results on Thursday the 28th of April???

EHXTRA EHXTRA!Read all about it!The Witness Times Vast Conspiracy Research Division(tm)

Liberty Equality Fraternity DENIED!Tyranny is born!Eyebrows raise over stupid decision!

Romance sparking up...Its "Saturday Night Fever" all over again!

Welcome To The Witness Times

All work and no play makes Jack yawn a dull boy... PART I